"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

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My mood hasn’t changed

I would love to say that I left today’s appointment with our new RE with renewed hope and a pep in my step when in reality that wasn’t what happened. I cried the majority of the way home.

I knew my blood pressure was going to be high. There was traffic getting there, I got lost, and there was almost no parking in the parking garage. I HATE being late so all of that added to the already anxious feelings I was having about this appointment. The nurse rechecked it after I spoke with her and it had gone down but was still high. I started the appointment off wonderfully.

I guess I thought that we would be able to side-step a few of the tests because we just went through it all in July but apparently not. In addition we are adding some… yay. I am scheduled for my SHG Wednesday and this is the only test I haven’t had to do in the past. She says as long as my old RE can send her the images of my HSG, I won’t need to go through that so fingers crossed that I can somehow get those images.

It was so anti-climactic. I really hoped we could start with my next cycle but that’s not going to happen. Here is the protocol as of right now:

  • Check BP over the next week and report results to ensure it goes back to normal
  • SHG scheduled for Wednesday
  • E has to call and schedule his new semen analysis and infectious disease bloodwork
  • Wait until CD 1 (I am on CD 8 right now) and then call to schedule CD3 bloodwork and baseline ultrasound
  • Schedule a follow-up appointment after all of the above is completed to discuss what my protocol is going to be

I did confirm with her that we are good candidates for ICSI which is good. I also expressed my disappointment that it’s going to be at least two cycles before we can get this show started and who knows just how long that would be since my cycles are unpredictable. She took pity on me and gave me a script for prometrium to take at CD 30 if I have no signs of my cycle starting. So there’s that.

Overall it was just so boring and not at all what I wanted to hear… even though going in to it I didn’t know what I wanted to hear. There are so many fucking hoops to jump through and I really hate that we have to do this. It’s so frustrating and just fucking sucks.

I wanted to leave excited. Instead I left fighting back the sarcasm and tears. Do I really want to go through all this? It seems like every step just makes this harder and harder. It shouldn’t be this hard. Why can’t we just go and have sex like most couples and get the wonderful surprise of a pregnancy? Ugh…

Well, here’s to a clear SHG and a fast two months.



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The day before

It’s the day before my “big” appointment and my feelings towards it have not changed. I still don’t feel anything but it being an obligation to go at this point. I am getting ready to go to a family member’s 1 year old birthday party so I know the question of when we are going to have another is going to come up.

I wish I had the gall to tell people that ask that question to fuck off or respond with some snarky sarcastic response but unfortunately that is just not me, especially with family.

I should have been spending the last few weeks really kicking my ass in gear and eating healthy and drinking tons of water when in reality I have been eating like shit and definitely not drinking enough. The only thing IF related I have been doing is taking my prenatal and that’s not saying much.

I hope tomorrow I wake up with renewed strength and hope for this next step. It’s a BIG step and one I should be eager to start. I should feel passionate and hopeful… anything other than what I am feeling right now. And feeling like this towards it just makes me feel like even more shit. I just don’t understand… may some sort of PTSD?

I think the “big” break between when we stopped IUI’s to meeting this new doctor really screwed with me. It was only 3 months but it felt like a lifetime and I think I just feel like we had so much wasted time. All that time being completely stagnant was a complete mind-fuck.

My goal is to go into the appointment armed with my, 5 year and counting, infertility notebook and an open mind. I want to be able to take all the new dr’s perspective in and hopefully leave with a renewed sense of self and happy that we are finally at “the next step”

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One Week

One week from right now I will know about where my infertility journey is heading. One week from this second I will probably be google searching the 100 million new questions I will have after meeting my new RE to discuss moving onto IVF.

I’ve done all the prelim work… filled out about 20 documents on E and I, had my previous RE send over the past 5 years worth of medical documentation, updated my personal IF notebook with all relevant information, and have a running list of questions to ask this new doctor.

I am physically going through the motions but I am just not there yet emotionally. I feel defeated, like infertility as a whole has caused me to just deflate. I’ve been questioning whether I want to go through with it or not. We have one beautiful child who is a serious handful, E works an insane amount of hours, and I will be doing so much of it alone. We both so desperately want another baby but the thought of going through IVF with only a 40% change of success is daunting. How much money are we going to throw at a 40% chance? How much time? How much physical, emotional, and mental energy?

The questions I have are endless… how am I going to do all of this and keep my job which is fairly demanding? We are in a bigger city now and the offices are further from our house… how are we going to logistically handle getting all the tests and procedures done while making sure G is taken care of? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what is going to happen or how it’s going to happen. All I do know is that I need to try and just take things one at a time.

The first step is just going to this appointment. I unfortunately am on CD1 today so depending on the testing she wants to do I may be delayed an entire extra month but nothing I can do about that. The appointment should last about an hour and a half and is pretty basic… vitals, meeting with the dr to discuss medical history and family medical history, full physical exam, and then ordering what sort of tests she wants done. After that… who knows?

All I can hope for is that I can get back into this. I am not so sure I am prepared to become the obsessed person I was while going through treatments last time but I think I would mentally feel better about that than this feeling of defeat before the process has already begun.