"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

The day before

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It’s the day before my “big” appointment and my feelings towards it have not changed. I still don’t feel anything but it being an obligation to go at this point. I am getting ready to go to a family member’s 1 year old birthday party so I know the question of when we are going to have another is going to come up.

I wish I had the gall to tell people that ask that question to fuck off or respond with some snarky sarcastic response but unfortunately that is just not me, especially with family.

I should have been spending the last few weeks really kicking my ass in gear and eating healthy and drinking tons of water when in reality I have been eating like shit and definitely not drinking enough. The only thing IF related I have been doing is taking my prenatal and that’s not saying much.

I hope tomorrow I wake up with renewed strength and hope for this next step. It’s a BIG step and one I should be eager to start. I should feel passionate and hopeful… anything other than what I am feeling right now. And feeling like this towards it just makes me feel like even more shit. I just don’t understand… may some sort of PTSD?

I think the “big” break between when we stopped IUI’s to meeting this new doctor really screwed with me. It was only 3 months but it felt like a lifetime and I think I just feel like we had so much wasted time. All that time being completely stagnant was a complete mind-fuck.

My goal is to go into the appointment armed with my, 5 year and counting, infertility notebook and an open mind. I want to be able to take all the new dr’s perspective in and hopefully leave with a renewed sense of self and happy that we are finally at “the next step”

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