"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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What’s a few more months?

E had his fertility urologist appointment today, after we found out 2 weeks ago that he now has zero sperm.

The urologist was fairly thorough and felt confident that his sperm issue is due to the testosterone E was taking for a while. However they are going to do the typical tests to rule everything out. He had a bunch of blood drawn today and will have an ultrasound of his prostate and testicles next week. Then the following week will have a followup appointment to go over treatment options (if there are any available).

The dr didn’t want to discuss “what if’s” until he has all the information but did say that if E never regained sperm production they could physically go in with a needle and retrieve it. I am not sure how far we are actually willing to go but we will cross that bridge at the time.

What we did decide on is that based on his testing and treatment we wouldn’t be able to even think about starting a cycle till July/August-ish. This means that the vacation we were wavering on is definitely happening. We deserve a week at the beach and I know our son will have a blast. He has loved it each time so I know now that he will be almost 3 he’s going to have a blast. We will have a condo right on the beach. It’s going to be great.

I started my cycle 2 days ago so I am going to the RE tomorrow for my cycle day 3 bloodwork and diagnostic ultrasound. After that I will meet with Dr. B to go over everything and figure out a plan. I think I am going to ask if I can go on BCPs so I have a regular cycle for a few months… I don’t know. I’ll be interested in hearing her thoughts.

Considering we started back with the fertility dr this past July and we had anticipated being pregnant by the end of 2016… whats a few more months? I just can’t dwell too long on this because it will defeat me and that’s not something I can allow to happen. Hopefully, E will be able to start producing sperm again and we can move onto IVF towards the end of summer.


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Still processing

We got a call 6 days ago. E’s semen analysis came back and there were 0 sperm found. To say that was a shock, is an understatement. We’ve had about 15 SA’s over the last couple years, 5 of which were from july 2016-november 2016 and he has had sperm in every single sample. His numbers weren’t great but they were at least there!

How can someone go from sperm to no sperm in a matter of 2 months?! They didn’t even give us any type of “where we go from here” scenario. They said he needs to go see another fertility urologist and that’s it. We have been trying to get that scheduled but they wont schedule it until they get the records from the RE and no one at the RE seems to be in a hurry to send them. We have been calling daily.

I have specifically stayed off google as I am not sure how helpful it will be and I am already upset/stressed about it enough as it is.

We were hoping to start treatment in a month or so and now? Who knows what we can do. I am so lost and hurt. Why does this have to be so hard?


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2.5 years old

G,

Oh sweet boy. You’re two and a half… I don’t think there is any further explanation other than that. You are everything a toddler should be; happy, sad, angry, bossy, affectionate, and into everything. You have an attitude unlike anything I have ever experienced before and are so strong willed that there are some days where I don’t feel like I am enough to be your mom. Then there are the moments where you need me and I melt. When you want to hold my hand. When you insist that you give me a hug AND a kiss before bed each night. When you tell me you love me. I live my life for those moments.

We have been through so much in the last six months. Your life has been turned upside down but you are handling it quite well. The move from South Carolina to Georgia has been hard… you got a new house, a new school, new teachers, and new friends. The transition hasn’t been easy but we are finally at a place where you almost never cry when being dropped off at school in the morning. You are always so happy to see me when I pick you up. The second your eyes find me, you scream “mommy!!!” and run to me with your arms wide open for a hug. The teachers love you and say you are very well behaved which makes me so proud.

You’ve started putting together more words and say things like: “no, my turn now”, “this one too?”, and “love you mommy.” However, your annunciation is still lacking so your new pediatrician and I agree that you may qualify for speech therapy. I have gone through all the paperwork and you have your evaluation in a few weeks. I am hoping you qualify in order alleviate some of the frustration I see when you can’t properly tell me what you want. Also, to assist other people in understanding you as the majority of the time I am the only one who can interpret your adorable little voice.

You still have zero interest in potty training. You love sitting on the potty but refuse to tell us when you actually need to go. Even in the middle of “the act” we will ask you if you need to go and you will tell us no. Silly boy. I think in the next couple of weeks we are going to try to see what we can do to help push you in the right direction.

I am at a constant battle within myself on wanting you to stay my small baby and trying to push you to do all the “big boy” things. I never know when will be the last time of something so I try and savor it all.

You are growing into such an amazing boy. I love you more than I can possibly express and I am so looking forward to what is in store for our future.

I love you,

Mommy


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Have you had a vaginal ultrasound before?

I had my SHG yesterday and it went well. Uterus looks “beautiful” and there is nothing that should be impeding implantation.

I walked into the ultrasound room at this new clinic and was already irritated that things are so different from my old clinic. I wont lie… I miss my old clinic. I knew the policies and procedures, I knew the people, I knew what to expect. I don’t like the unknown and this new place is just that. It’s SO different and I am not yet a fan.

The ultrasound tech looks at me dead in the face and asks “have you had a vaginal ultrasound before?” It took me a second to realize she was being serious. I totally thought it was a joke… I mean how many years have I been dealing with IF? I can’t even begin to count the number of times I have had the dildo-cam shoved up my vag. I almost laughed. When I realized she was serious I made some sarcastic response which she didn’t seem to appreciate.

Overall the procedure went fine and everything looks good so that’s one more thing to check off my list. E should be calling today to make his appointment for his semen analysis and screening bloodwork and then it’s a waiting game until CD 1 hits where we can do a baseline ultrasound and a slew of bloodwork.