"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


Bullet update

The last two-ish weeks have been a one-step-in-front-of-the-other type of situation. Going through more motions to try and get to the point we want to be.

  • My CD3 bloodwork and follicle check went fine. I had about 7 tiny follicles on each side (which is way lower than the end of last year during my IUI’s) but they said that was good. All my bloodwork came back great (hormones, A1C, std, etc) with the exception of slightly elevated liver functions. Dr. B wants to redo the liver just to make sure its normal and I wish she would just look at the last 4 years of my RE history to know that this is normal. But whatever. The only thing that is a problem is that apparently my chicken pox antibodies are no longer present from when I had the vaccine as a child. So I need to get that. The kicker? It’s a 2 series vaccine with 30 days between each one. A minimum of 60 days before I can attempt a cycle. It’s a good fucking thing we had already decided to wait until after our vacation at the end of June to start because of E’s issues (if it’s even possible) or else that would have been a serious shot to the heart. On the day I found out I called about 6 pharmacy’s to see who had the vaccine. No one carried it but I finally found one who could order it and administer. Oh and it’s also not covered by insurance. Yay.
  • E had his ultrasound and follow-up with the reproductive urologist. The ultrasound (testicles and prostate) went well – nothing crazy out of the ordinary. Dr. W says that he understands why his testosterone is so low based on his varicocele vein but he didn’t mention surgery so I am assuming it’s not bad enough to consider it. Instead they came with with the following protocol: 25mg clomid daily and then pregnal (HCG) injections 3 times a week. He goes back on the 19th for bloodwork and then meeting again on May 3rd to discuss what to do further (and hopefully schedule another SA).
  • We are supposed to start having sex at least 3 times a week in order to try and get E’s natural testosterone going too. This is not easy for me as I have lost all joy in sex over the last 5ish years. Infertility has robbed me of it. I find zero pleasure in the act of sex because all I can think about is how it’s “pointless.” As in, there is no chance of a baby so why bother? It has caused so many issues in our relationship over the years and now I have to force myself to do it 3 times a week. It’s going to be a struggle because as hard as I try, I just have zero desire.
  • The pregnancy announcements are coming fast and furious. Spring is in the air and they are popping up all over facebook as fast as the buds on the trees. Each one stings in a different way. I got a call from my cousin on saturday and as soon as I saw her name on my phone I knew why she was calling. That was a hard call to take for two reasons: 1) I obviously knew she was calling to tell me she was pregnant but 2) I knew she went through IVF to do it. She discovered that both her and her husband carry the same type of gene that causes certain baby’s to not make it past a few weeks gestation so they decided to not chance multiple losses and go straight to IVF. She’s apparently 15 weeks and all is great. I am so happy for them but gutted for myself. We talked about doing IVF at the same time at the end of last year and we haven’t spoken much about it since. Well apparently she was able to start right away and is already out of her first trimester while I am over here still just waiting to see if we can even attempt IVF. It was a hard pill for me to swallow.
  • I am not sure if I am in protection mode or just don’t really care anymore. I mean, I obviously care but I am not obsessing like I once was. Maybe it’s this new clinic… they are nothing like my old one and I am not a huge fan. They are much more laid back about all this pre-work. They weren’t allowed to tell me my follicle count on CD3 (had to wait to hear on CD14 when they called to report all my bloodword) which was just common practice at my old place. So maybe the fact that they give off the impression that they don’t care has just rubbed off on me. Maybe I just don’t want to be going through this so I don’t have it in me to obsess. Maybe my heart isn’t fully in it. Maybe I am in protection mode… knowing that at any of these appointments we could get the response of “we can’t proceed” and we would have to figure out how to be ok as a one child household (please know we are beyond grateful for having our wonderful son, we have just always pictured 2). Who knows.

That’s the low-down. Nothing too exciting is happening around here and it doesn’t look like that will change anytime soon.