"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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Change of plans

Well… this is something I should be excited about but I just feel a sense of disappointment. Maybe it’s because I just found out and haven’t fully had time to process.

I got a call from Dr. B’s office this morning in which Dr. B has reviewed E’s latest SA results and believes we don’t need to jump to IVF. We should try TI or IUI. Seriously? What in the actual fuck?

I have been mentally preparing for IVF for 7 months now. SEVEN MONTHS. We were supposed to have our injection class tomorrow and now that is cancelled with another appointment on the books for middle of June to talk IUI details. I am beat down and feel so defeated. We have done (what feels like) so many failed IUI cycles that I don’t know if I can mentally take another failed IUI knowing that I could have used that month as an IVF cycle with a potential different outcome.

I told E that I was willing to do 1 IUI but if it didn’t work I want to move to IVF. I can’t take multiple failures again, my heart wont be able to bare it.

The office said I could stay on the BCPs as planned so as soon as we get back from vacation I can start the IUI process. So there’s that at least.

Where to go from here? Try to be happy over the fact that we could potentially save some money if this first IUI works? That’s about the only thing positive I can think of at this moment. I was so looking to up our chances. We had planned on having a baby in our arms by this time already not looking at the possibility of delaying this even more.


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We have sperm!!!!

Such an odd phrase to say but YAY! E had his follow-up SA this past friday after being on Clomid and pregnil for over a month. He had bloodwork 2 weeks ago which showed the markers in his brain (which tell the body to produce sperm) were firing again and so they scheduled the SA.

On March 7 there were zero sperm and before that for all of our IUI’s the numbers were exceptionally low. I am so happy to report his latest numbers:

Count: 53.53 million

Motility: 57%

Morphology: 10% (his best ever was 2%!!)

Viability: 98%

We are so incredibly thrilled. I emailed my RE and asked them to get the results from the urologist so Dr. B can review and assess.

As of right now though, we are scheduled for our injection class next wednesday and I am starting my birth control pills tonight. We should be all set to start stim in 5.5 weeks! It feels like forever away but eeeeeee!


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“Call The Midwife”

I started watching “Call The Midwife” on Netflix. Don’t ask me why… maybe I just love to torture myself.

Even though it’s all about babies (and just how easy it is to get pregnant. Some of these women have 24 children!!!!!!!), it is an incredibly interesting show. It’s set in the late 50’s/early 60’s in East End England and based on a true story.

I cry almost every single episode. Even though all these women have their own stories and troubles the look on their faces when their babies are born is nothing short of awe.

I want that feeling just one more time. I feel like I didn’t get to savor it all enough last time… I feel like I am forgetting what it feels like to be kicked from the inside. What it feels like to be growing life. I don’t want to lose those memories and am yearning for a chance to be reminded first hand. I keep trying to stay patient and keeps telling myself; “a little less than 2 months till we can try,” but it’s getting harder and harder.

Regardless, back to my show to watch other people give birth to amazing babies.


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Things have been put in motion

Where to start… I have been so busy with work I feel like I don’t have any semblance of a life anymore, so this is going to be quick with not much fluff.

  1. I met with Dr. B last week for my follow-up and all my bloodwork looked great. I have a good egg reserve, hormones are all within appropriate ranges and nothing looked off. My miscarriage rate calculated between the appropriate hormones and my age is 30% (with a pregnancy rate of 60% via IVF).
  2. E is doing well on his pregnal injections and clomid. His testosterone has gone from 38 to 580 within 3 weeks and the markers telling his brain to produce sperm have started firing again so there is hope that his next SA (which is scheduled for May 19) will show some results.
  3. I have started birth control. Since my cycles are unpredictable and I would like to start a cycle the second we get back from our vacation at the end of June, we started me on BCPs now. I am doing a full pack (active and sugar pills) and then staying on active pills until getting back from vacation.
  4. As long as E’s SA results show sperm we will move forward. In the meantime we will be doing our injection class and figuring out all the legal stuff of what to do with any left over eggs.
  5. If for some reason E’s SA doesn’t show improvements then that is the end of the line for for with this journey. We will cherish our amazing son and I will start the process of accepting that we will not have another child.

Now… back to work.