I am not even sure you can call our case primary vs secondary. We’ve always been infertile, we’ve just already had one successful pregnancy and are still in the midst of trying for another. I honestly thought my emotions around the whole thing were the same… I want a baby. I can’t have a baby. This makes me sad and crazy. Plain and simply, right?
I found out this weekend that it’s not exactly the same. Yes, I do want and can’t easily have another baby. Yes, it makes me sad and crazy. However, I already do have a child.
G is almost 3 now and Saturday night was the first time in his whole entire life that he wasn’t with E or I overnight. This was the first time he didn’t see either one of us when he woke up in the morning. He stayed the night at my parents house without us. I have been putting it off for as long as I possibly could but it was time and he did great. This isn’t about him but more about me.
Honestly, the ideas of everything I could do were vast. I dropped him off at my parents house and left after I put him down for his nap at 1pm. We had plans for saturday night with a bunch of friends but other than that my schedule was 100% open. I could have gone shopping or to the pool to relax in the sun but I decided that I wanted to watch some tv in peace… it was nice. The first two hours was great. I had a snack, watched my shows, relaxed on the couch and overall recharged a little but as I started getting ready for our night out with friends I started to feel odd and I couldn’t quite place my finger on it.
I tried to ignore it and as the night went on I was too busy to care. We had a great time. We got home at midnight and as we came upstairs G’s bedroom door was closed and it was like I got punched in the gut. Before getting pregnant with him, we use to keep the room that we prayed so hard to be a nursery, empty and closed. His door was closed like it is every night when he is sleeping but that night I knew he wasn’t in there. That’s when I realized that feeling I had before was a bit of that emptiness I use feel before he entered our lives.
I quite honestly was so exhausted I didn’t have much time to process it all and the idea of sleeping in was amazing so we got ready for bed and I had a dreamless sleep which I was happy about. I didn’t get to sleep in as my body is an asshole and is so use to waking up with G by 7 on the weekends, that I was up by 7:15 and wasn’t able to go back. I got out of bed with just a pit in my stomach. I just felt hollow. I proceeded to take care of the dogs and ran to Dunkin Donuts to get coffee and breakfast… to which I didn’t have to order G anything. Another punch to my gut.
I got home, ate my breakfast, E woke up and ate his, and we watched tv till noon. It was weird and didn’t feel right. I grew more and more despondent as the day went on. I grew quiet and didn’t want to really interact with anyone. I went about my chores with no one interrupting me and got to watch whatever I wanted on television but it just felt wrong. At noon I had to get out of the house so we went for a quick lunch and grocery shopping. It felt like it did 4-5 years ago… we were out doing mundane things and had no child in hand. I found myself getting teary-eyed at any and all children we saw and couldn’t take it any more. I was walking around like a zombie, like I did for so many years before getting pregnant. I forgot the intricate details in how that felt.
We went home to put away the groceries and then to my parents house. As soon as I had my boy in front of me, in my arms, my world came crashing back to reality. He really is mine and always will be.
So for me, while I thought going through this whole IF process the second time was exactly the same as the first, it’s not. Going through IF with no child was unbearable for me and this weekend brought back just a glimpse of that. While I still want a second child with every ounce of my being, I have my boy. The emotions I feel this time around are very different… maybe it’s because I am distracted 90% of the time by taking care of a toddler or maybe it’s not so intense because I simply have him in my life. I yearn for a second child and pray that one day soon we will be lucky enough to have one but I know if it doesn’t happen for us I will always have my amazing little boy. I need to keep that in the front of my mind while going through all the bullshit treatments… it happened once, it can happen again.
For everyone who is going through infertility; my heart breaks for you. It’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I never want to feel that empty ever again and I wish I could take that feeling away from each and every one of us.