"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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Beta #1

Beta number came back at 75.6 which I am happy with… I was hoping for 80-100 but after talking to the nurse she said they like to see anything over 50 at 14dpiui and since I am a day early it looks great.

The shitty part is that they don’t do beta tests on the weekend. So instead of going in Sunday I thought I would be going in on Monday. That makes sense, right? Well according to them “in order to make the math easier” they only do beta’s in increments of 2 days so I won’t go back until Tuesday!!! Really?? I have to wait 4 days?? I am not happy about that but what can I do? I plan on just taking a FRER each morning and hopefully watching the second line get darker.

I’m pregnant! I can’t believe it! ❤ Prayers for a super sticky baby that hangs around for the next 9 months!


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Well… 13DPIUI #5 for Baby #2

Well as predicted I woke up at 3:30 this morning having to pee. I had prepared myself by putting my FRER on the back of the toilet so it was ready and waiting for me whenever I woke up. I didn’t want to get out of bed I was so fucking nervous…

I waited about 5 minutes when I just couldn’t take it any longer and got up. I peed and set the test down behind me as soon as I saw it was moving across the test window, I didn’t want to watch it. I was smart and brought my phone with me so the 3 minutes, which felt like a lifetime, didn’t take as long playing Toy Blast.

The three minutes was up. I walked over to the test and immediately saw one dark line. I almost started crying and then I picked the test up. Wait? Is that a line? I let my eyes focus and sure as shit… there’s a second fucking line! It’s no where near as dark as the test I took with G but it’s definitely there. A pink beautiful little line.


I ran back into the bedroom and woke E up, not gracefully either. I jumped on the bed and just said “it’s positive” quite loudly. He woke up and just said “really?!” And enveloped me in a big hug while I cried happy tears. He wanted to see for himself so we spent the next 5 minutes in the bathroom analyzing the line and both saying that we won’t feel comfortable until we get both beta tests to make sure it’s doubling appropriately. I’m really hoping my dr can get me in for a beta today. I may die if I have to wait until Monday!

Oh my god… I can’t fucking believe it! 


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12DPIUI

I have resisted. I have NOT tested… and it has been killing me. I want nothing more than to pee on alllllllll the things.

Nothing much has changed in terms of symptoms. Still ton of watery cm and on/off boob pain (mostly on my right). I have also experienced some hip pain and weird stretching pain in my lower abdomen area. Today I have had some acid reflux and last night I experienced some light-headedness but that could be attributed to just standing up too fast.

I’m ready to get this shit over with. I typically don’t have watery cm and that last time I had this much I was pregnant with G so that symptom alone is driving my hopes sky high. I woke up at 2:45am to go to the bathroom this morning and couldn’t fall back asleep… I just want to know.

What is the answer? Am I celebrating or diving right into IVF? The progesterone makes me get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom so who knows what time I will actually get to test. Either way, tomorrow morning can’t get here soon enough…


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All aboard the crazy train

At this point I have convinced myself I’m pregnant… at only 10DPIUI. Even though I am fully competent to know that everything I am experiencing is due to the progesterone supplements. The logical mind gets thrown out the window more often than not and I find myself day dreaming of seeing my positive test, how I am going to tell E, what my first beta numbers would be and so on. I’ve calculated my estimated due date. I’ve started planning.

For most cycles I avoid doing this because it just sets me up for unimaginable disappointment but something has me going against all my rules for this cycle. The fall will be hard if this ends like all the other cycles this go-round. It’s going to hurt and I am not fully prepared for it.

I’ve been watching YouTube videos of people doing live pregnancy tests which is exhilarating but all it does is get my hopes up. I see myself in their shoes getting positive tests and it’s amazing to think about. Just imagine if I get to see my two lines on Friday, how incredible would that be?!?

E hasn’t helped keep my expectations level this time around either… he keeps saying adorable things about the possibility of baby number 2 and it makes me want it so much more for him. I can picture it… our family of 4. Complete and whole. Everything E and I ever wanted. We are getting ready to celebrate our 7 year wedding anniversary (15 years together) and it would just be so amazing to be celebrating with a positive test. The fantasy is there and it would be incredible.

My “symptoms” are as follows:

  • Heavy breasts (not sore or bigger… they just feel heavy)
  • Hunger
  • Super tired even though I am sleeping better than usual
  • Increased urination
  • Watery CM
  • Bloated
  • On/off headaches

The past couple days I have had very few twinges or cramps which could be a good or bad thing. I think at 10dpiui it’s still too early to be experiencing PMS type symptoms for me and even if it wasn’t, I never have anything consistent to tell me when AF is arriving so it’s not much help. All of this can be attributed to the progesterone and that is just cruel. Pregnancy symptoms don’t show up this early anyways but it’s still driving me crazy. I have boarded the train and it has long left the station. No turning back now.

3 more sleeps before I can test and figure this out. Will I be riding off into the sunset or will my train derail and crash?


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Jealousy

Jealousy is an emotion I really dislike. I feel it when I see the random pregnancy announcements on Facebook, when people tell me how easy it is for them to get pregnant, when I watch every single TV show and at least one character gets pregnant off a one night stand, when I see newborn babies sleeping in their mothers arms… the list goes on. When it hits close to home the most is from a close friend.

My best friend had her 2nd baby last weekend. She had her first child about 6 months after G was born and got pregnant last year, with her second, the same month of my 4th failed IUI. When she told me she was pregnant it was like a stab in the heart. I was so happy for her but crumbled inside for myself.

The day she found out she was having a boy was the day we found out E no longer had any sperm.

The day she had her baby was the day of my 5th IUI.

We have been connected in this journey in very different ways. I have cried countless times over these encounters. Why does she get to be so happy and have this amazing gift and I don’t? Why couldn’t we be complaining about pregnancy symptoms together instead of me listening to her complain while I sit here with an empty womb and no ideas on what our next steps were going to be.

I spoke to her this morning and she couldn’t stop gushing over how in love she is and how good of a baby he is. She sounded so happy… like she was high on love. She sends me pictures daily of both her kids and they just look like the perfect family. Every picture she sends I smile because I love her and her kids and I am so thrilled that so far it has been an easy transition (plus they are super adorable kiddos) but after I respond to her and my initial happiness fades I find myself a little more down.

I hate that infertility has done this to me. I hate that I can feel so much joy for someone else while at the same time feeling incredibly jealous and sad for myself. This is one of my best friends and I love her dearly. I want nothing but the absolute best for her… but there are brief moments that I want to be her. I want to be able to get pregnant easily. To have a newborn in my arms. To have both my children in my lap.

Today I am feeling that jealousy and sadness. I am letting myself feel it and then I am going to move on. I have one week till test day. Just 7 days. I can make it 7 days. After that is unknown what will happen but 7 more days I can do.


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4DPIUI #5 for Baby #2

I feel like a first timer. This is my 8th IUI… I have recorded each one in detail and yet I am still googling like I have never been through this before. I am driving myself crazy.

My headaches have finally subsided. I couldn’t be more grateful as I was going on a full week which was not easy. Everything else has been pretty normal; mild cramping and lower abdomen fullness. I started my prometrium yesterday so I know anything I may or may not feel will most likely be attributed to that.

This is the first time I’ve done prometrium. In the past I’ve done crinone and there are pros and cons to the prometrium. Pro: no where near as messy. Con: there is no applicator so it doesn’t feel as if I am getting the suppository high enough. This is more of an insecurity than a con since I haven’t had the pill fall out or anything but I still would like to have an applicator.

Every second I waiver from just knowing this will work to being absolutely positive it didn’t.

Regardless, being as overly prepared as I am, I already have our injection class schedule for 3 days after we know whether this works or not. I also have my pack of BCPs waiting for me! I confirmed with the nurses that since I already had my IVF consult and then we decided to do one more IUI I don’t need to actually meet with Dr. B again. So that’s one less appointment I need to have before getting the IVF ball rolling! Pretty much the only two things standing in my way are the injection class and having the business department request prior auth from my insurance company. Hopefully as soon as both of those things are completed I can stop my BCPs and start down the IVF journey.

I do feel like we may have wasted a month. I feel like I should have gone with my gut instinct and just done IVF like we had planned. Hopefully E will get to say “told ya so!” next Friday and I will have done all this pre-work for nothing. I really hope that is what happens but I have a sneaking suspicion that that won’t be the case.

Here’s hoping!


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IUI #5 for baby #2

Today was the day. IUI #5. Our last IUI ever and thank god for that. What a whirlwind this morning was and I honestly don’t want to go through it again. I haven’t been quiet about my issues with this clinic and how they do things but today just took it to a new level.

I am very punctual, very much type A. We were told ovidrel at 11pm on Thursday night, semen collection at 8am on Saturday with the IUI at 10am. To me this seemed to be timed fairly right and felt ok with it even though I wasn’t thrilled about not exactly knowing what my follicles were.

E got there a few minutes before his 8am appointment but he wasn’t taken back till 8:30. Not a huge deal but still late. I met him at the clinic at 9:15 and we waited around till 10. No call. 10:15 still nothing and so we went to ask to make sure everything was ok. The receptionist told me that there were 4 IUI’s this morning and we were just waiting for everything to be processed. 10:30 nothing. 10:50 and E couldn’t wait any longer, he had to leave to go to work. He was so beyond angry at this point that it was only stressing me out more and as much as I wanted him to be with me at the potential conception of our child, it was probably best that he left. At 11:15 they finally called me back.

I was so stressed and worried. Would the sperm still be alive 3 hours after collection? Are we too far out of the window from the ovidrel now (yes, I know 11am would actually be the 36 hours but I was just too far stressed to be logical at this point)? I don’t handle things not happening according to plan and it just really bothered me.

I tried a few deep breaths and tried to center myself before the actual doctor came in because the stress is nothing but a hindrance to this whole process. The doctor came in and gave me the report which was great: 23.5 million sperm with great motility. They don’t actually give percentages for motility but rank them from 1 – 4, a 4 being the best, and E’s ranked at a 4. We couldn’t ask for anything more given that he had absolutely zero sperm just 5 months ago.

The procedure was incredibly smooth, I didn’t feel the catheter or sperm being injected. Afterwards, I got to lay on the table and listen to my lovely sperm timer for 15 minutes. Then up and out I went.

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I feel pretty on par from all my previous IUI’s – seriously crampy and it feels like a bowling ball is sitting in my uterus but other than that I feel fine. I did have a little spotting today but I have had that a few times with other IUI’s so nothing too concerning.

I keep comparing the numbers and facts to the cycle we actually got pregnant on and I am hopeful… I am letting that hope creep in and I am scared that I am going to be devastated, more so than usual, if this doesn’t work.

I start my prometrium and baby asprin on Tuesday and get to test on the 29th. Our wedding anniversary is August 7th, how wonderful would it be if we could be celebrating a positive during that time???

Here’s hoping! I have a feeling this is going to be a very long 2ww.


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Tomorrow’s the day

My faith in this cycle just isn’t there. I am going through the motions and unfortunately those motions are accompanied by a persistent dull headache that just does not seem to want to go away.

I have been doing my OPK’s and since yesterday I still hadn’t had a natural LH surge I called the clinic to schedule my IUI for Saturday. They are the type of clinic where you never talk to a person when you call. It’s always leave a message and we will give you a call back. My last clinic was like this so it’s not a huge deal but my last clinic was great about calling back in a timely manner. I called at 12:30pm and left my message that I needed to schedule the IUI and needed to know what time to take my ovidrel.

I didn’t hear back from them until 5pm to which point I was already beyond frustrated. Whatever, they actually called me so great. We are scheduled for an IUI at 10am Saturday morning.

I just hate not knowing my follicle size before triggering. I had follicle sizes 16, 15, 12, and 12 on Monday. Assuming they grow only 1-2mm per day that would mean by Saturday morning/ovulation they should be 20-24 and 19-23 (with the assumption that the two smaller ones fizzled out). I know these numbers look good but I would have liked to know for sure that they were ready. Oh well.

Of course this morning I woke up to tons of EWCM and think that I am ovulating today and we are totally going to miss the window but hopefully that’s just me over analyzing and worrying.

We will see just how different the actual procedure is with this place tomorrow. Regardless I have already picked up my BCPs to start if this cycle doesn’t work and plan on scheduling my injection class for as soon as I can after I know this cycle works or not.

I do hope this works, with every ounce of my being, but I am preparing myself for the next steps so no time is lost if it doesn’t.


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Addiction

I feel like an addict who just scored a hit and I have an odd high along with the associated disappointment.

Before it happened I had butterflies in my stomach and a weird jittery feeling.

What am I talking about? Peeing on sticks. Yup. Ugh.

Today was day one of OPK’s and this is not something I have had to do with my other IUI’s at my previous clinic. I haven’t peed on a stick since November and all the feels came crashing back… and this was a damn OPK. Not even an actual pregnancy test.

I seriously think there is something wrong with me some days. I had the biggest pit in my stomach as I awaited the results. The funny thing is that I knew it wasn’t going to be a positive because my follicle size yesterday showed that I didn’t have any mature follicles yet and still… my body reacted as if it wasn’t my own.

This is the start of a long recovery. Once I start peeing on things it just doesn’t stop 😉


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CD10 Update

I had my CD10 ultrasound this morning and I am fairly pleased. Or at least I was until I looked back through my notebook to compare how far my follicles were at this point in previous cycles and now I am a little disappointed.

RT ovary: 15mm and 12mm

LT ovary: 16mm and 12mm

So really two contenders on CD10 with a lining of 8.4 isn’t too bad. Last year all 4 IUI’s I had “mature” follicles by CD11 so even with the dexamethasone I am still slower growing this first cycle but trying to stay positive as each cycle can be different.

The current plan is to start my OPK’s tomorrow. If I get a natural surge, take the Ovidrel and have an IUI the next morning. If I don’t have a natural surge by Thursday, take the Ovidrel that night and the IUI will be Saturday morning.

I still don’t really love this plan of action. I am someone who likes knowing the details and not knowing if I have the proper size follicles before triggering bothers me. They also didn’t take my E2 today which adds another level of unease for me… I guess I just got so use to how my old clinic did things that this deviation has me a little on edge.

Taking deep breaths and hoping for the best. It would be a dream come true if this actually worked.