"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD



Jealousy is an emotion I really dislike. I feel it when I see the random pregnancy announcements on Facebook, when people tell me how easy it is for them to get pregnant, when I watch every single TV show and at least one character gets pregnant off a one night stand, when I see newborn babies sleeping in their mothers arms… the list goes on. When it hits close to home the most is from a close friend.

My best friend had her 2nd baby last weekend. She had her first child about 6 months after G was born and got pregnant last year, with her second, the same month of my 4th failed IUI. When she told me she was pregnant it was like a stab in the heart. I was so happy for her but crumbled inside for myself.

The day she found out she was having a boy was the day we found out E no longer had any sperm.

The day she had her baby was the day of my 5th IUI.

We have been connected in this journey in very different ways. I have cried countless times over these encounters. Why does she get to be so happy and have this amazing gift and I don’t? Why couldn’t we be complaining about pregnancy symptoms together instead of me listening to her complain while I sit here with an empty womb and no ideas on what our next steps were going to be.

I spoke to her this morning and she couldn’t stop gushing over how in love she is and how good of a baby he is. She sounded so happy… like she was high on love. She sends me pictures daily of both her kids and they just look like the perfect family. Every picture she sends I smile because I love her and her kids and I am so thrilled that so far it has been an easy transition (plus they are super adorable kiddos) but after I respond to her and my initial happiness fades I find myself a little more down.

I hate that infertility has done this to me. I hate that I can feel so much joy for someone else while at the same time feeling incredibly jealous and sad for myself. This is one of my best friends and I love her dearly. I want nothing but the absolute best for her… but there are brief moments that I want to be her. I want to be able to get pregnant easily. To have a newborn in my arms. To have both my children in my lap.

Today I am feeling that jealousy and sadness. I am letting myself feel it and then I am going to move on. I have one week till test day. Just 7 days. I can make it 7 days. After that is unknown what will happen but 7 more days I can do.

4 thoughts on “Jealousy

  1. Omg but SEVEN days is basically for-ev-errrrr! I had a friend bring her newborn and her toddler (who is BG’s age) over for a playdate yesterday. While yes, I would like another baby, my perspective is that I’m glad I’ve had this time with BG. I’m already looking forward to Christmas with BG, as it will be a magical one, and I’m glad I don’t have to factor an infant into the plans I’m making. I’m glad I can take BG to the pool instead of being stuck inside with her in the heat of the summer. I’m sure you can think of some reasons you are glad not to have a new baby right now. And then, you can look forward to being pregnant and having a babybin the coming year–being pregnant during Christmas would be nice, and I bet you will be! XOXO

    • There are definitely pros to not having a newbown when you have a toddler. G is finally able to do fun things and we aren’t as tied to a nap and bedtime as we use to be. There are tons of things to do with him but I feel the longer it takes us the bigger of a gap will be between them. By the time I have another baby G will probably be done with naps completely instead of getting them to nap at the same time. G will be into group activities and their schedules will be so different. I will make it work regardless, it’s just a feeling of trying for so long a second time that is very frustrating.

      • Of course–TTC with IF is *the worst* and who wouldn’t be sick of it?! But as for the age gap, I’m in the same position and I intend to send BG to preschool part-time when she is three. I think it works out great because she will be well and truly ready to go by then, and that will give me time to go to appointments (either for IF treatments or prenatal) and then *if* we have a second baby then I’ll have the morning/early afternoon with just me and baby while BG is in preschool. As for naps, BG will take them at preschool on days she goes and then at home as well–if she doesn’t fall asleep then it will still be “quiet time” where she can read books or do puzzles etc. in her room. I mean hobestly even if your kids were closer together it’s damn near impossible to coordinate a toddler and an infant for naps, mealtimes, etc. because they have different needs. You’ll be living in chaos regardless if they are 2 years apart or 4 years apart.
        Another thing is, BG still wants to be my baby. Wants to be held. Prefers diapers. Wants to nurse (breastfeed, yep, still doing that). And lots of toddlers do–it’s normal–they are on the cusp of being little kids but they are still very needy. I see moms with kids close together *struggling* to meet the needs of their infant and lamenting how needy/clingy/ill-behaved their toddler is. These moms feel like their toddlers should be potty trained and playing independently and not *need* them so much. That’s BS. There is nothing wrong with toddlers being needy or baby-ish because *they are little*. These moms just bit off more than they can chew having kids close together so they push their toddlers to grow up too fast.
        Take this time to nurture G and soak up all these moments of her being little. Then she’ll actually be ready to be a big sister and you will be prepared to mother 2 children who have completely different needs and personalities. In the long run, you’ll be better off with the age gap. XOXO

  2. those feelings suck so much, but they are normal and valid. big hugs to you. ❤

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