Jealousy is an emotion I really dislike. I feel it when I see the random pregnancy announcements on Facebook, when people tell me how easy it is for them to get pregnant, when I watch every single TV show and at least one character gets pregnant off a one night stand, when I see newborn babies sleeping in their mothers arms… the list goes on. When it hits close to home the most is from a close friend.
My best friend had her 2nd baby last weekend. She had her first child about 6 months after G was born and got pregnant last year, with her second, the same month of my 4th failed IUI. When she told me she was pregnant it was like a stab in the heart. I was so happy for her but crumbled inside for myself.
The day she found out she was having a boy was the day we found out E no longer had any sperm.
The day she had her baby was the day of my 5th IUI.
We have been connected in this journey in very different ways. I have cried countless times over these encounters. Why does she get to be so happy and have this amazing gift and I don’t? Why couldn’t we be complaining about pregnancy symptoms together instead of me listening to her complain while I sit here with an empty womb and no ideas on what our next steps were going to be.
I spoke to her this morning and she couldn’t stop gushing over how in love she is and how good of a baby he is. She sounded so happy… like she was high on love. She sends me pictures daily of both her kids and they just look like the perfect family. Every picture she sends I smile because I love her and her kids and I am so thrilled that so far it has been an easy transition (plus they are super adorable kiddos) but after I respond to her and my initial happiness fades I find myself a little more down.
I hate that infertility has done this to me. I hate that I can feel so much joy for someone else while at the same time feeling incredibly jealous and sad for myself. This is one of my best friends and I love her dearly. I want nothing but the absolute best for her… but there are brief moments that I want to be her. I want to be able to get pregnant easily. To have a newborn in my arms. To have both my children in my lap.
Today I am feeling that jealousy and sadness. I am letting myself feel it and then I am going to move on. I have one week till test day. Just 7 days. I can make it 7 days. After that is unknown what will happen but 7 more days I can do.