"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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*Post talks about miscarriage and D&C, please skip if this will be triggering*

I firstly want to say thank you for the love and support on my previous post. I haven’t had the mental energy to respond to everyone but I have read all the comments ❤

I tried coming up with a title for this but nothing seems right or seems to fit. The past 4 days feel like weeks… how did I have surgery to remove my little baby only 4 days ago? It feels like a lifetime and yet only yesterday. I have spent more time crying than I have my whole adult life. I honestly don’t know how I have any tears left.

Friday morning came along as it should. I slept so poorly and cried most of Thursday night. I just wasn’t ready to give my baby back… even if he/she was no longer truly with us. I found myself hoping that maybe that night I would start to miscarry naturally so maybe my mind could realize that the baby was gone. Having zero symptoms of a miscarriage was really difficult for me because it didn’t feel real. How could the baby no longer be here if my body isn’t telling me anything is wrong? Regardless, I got up Friday morning and stuck with my typical routine with G. Got him up, fed, ready for school and dropped off. When I got home I took a long hot shower and then crawled back into bed with E.

We stayed in bed until the last possible second, dozing and crying on and off, until we had to get ready to go to the hospital. Checking in was uneventful. I got brought back in a pre-op room fairly quickly and they didn’t have too much trouble starting my IV. I had a slew of different people come in and confirm what I was having done… the term “missed abortion” will be seared into my memory for the rest of my life. I did good and only teared up once while waiting. E tried to make the mood a little lighter and it worked a little. He was incredibly strong sitting next to me. My doctor came in and went over everything and confirmed that we will send everything to pathology and for genetic testing which will take 1-2 weeks to get back. I’m happy we decided to do the testing, I want to know what happened.

They were running about an hour late so I didn’t actually get taken back until almost 1pm. I kissed E good-bye and I was wheeled down to the OR. The next thing that happened will never leave me. As I was pushed into my OR, there was a nurse happily singing to whatever song was on the radio. It took me a minute to realize that she was actually singing and it wasn’t just the radio. She came over to introduce herself and then went back to singing… All I could think about was the fact that they were getting ready to physically take my baby from my body and she’s singing? I broke down and started crying. It was so disrespectful in my eyes. How could she be happily singing when my entire world is crashing down around me? At that point I lost it. The anesthesiologist had just put some drugs in my IV and the oxygen mask over my face and I just started bawling. This was really happening. Luckily my assigned nurse quickly grabbed my hand, squeezed it tight, and started wiping the tears from my face. That’s the last thing I remember before waking up in the recovery room.

The physical recovery has been fine; mild cramping and minimal bleeding. Mentally I am as screwed up as I assumed I would be. I just can’t stop crying.

To compound matters even further, G’s birthday party was on Sunday. It has been a total mind fuck to celebrate the birth of one child while completely mourning the loss of another. His party was at a bounce house place and I was the only parent who wasn’t in the inflatables with their kid. I got some weird looks from my friends who didn’t know but that’s about it and I did a great job, I only cried once while we were there and hid it completely. No one knew. It was a great birthday party but so mentally draining and even though I took it as easy as I could I definitely overdid it as the cramps and bleeding picked up exceptionally that night.

I took the day off from work yesterday as well. I needed just one more day to cry and feel sorry for myself. I took G to school in the morning, came home, took a hot shower and cried my eyes out in bed till 11am. By then I felt good and numb. I pulled myself up and thought it was best if I ate something. I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of the day doing nothing so I decided to go to Hobby Lobby and get some materials to make a floral arrangement for my foyer. I stopped and got some lunch on the way home and spent the afternoon watching tv and putting my arrangement together (which looks great). By the time I was done it was time to get G from school. No more time for crying. The evening went by fine and I kept it together.

I thought it would have just been an easy transition into sleep but instead the crying started again… and kept up for 45 minutes straight. E just laid there and held me as the tears just kept coming. I’m drained. So physically and mentally drained.

I don’t even know my next steps. I emailed the clinic and asked when I need to come in for my HCG drawn or if it was even necessary because of the D&C. I just want my baby back. With every ounce of my being, I want my baby back.

I am sure each day will get a little better but right now I still feel like it’s never going to end. Like the immense pain is never going to go away.

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“Your uterus just likes being pregnant”

One of the few things you probably shouldn’t say to someone who just found out her baby no longer has a heart beat… but we’ll get to that.

This morning was my follow-up ultrasound. The past 2.5 days I had pretty much convinced myself that today was going to go terribly. I had several moments of hope where I thought that magically my baby would have caught up and been totally normal but they were few and far between. All my symptoms were gone and I just sort of knew.

There was terrible traffic this morning but for once it didn’t really bother me. I wasn’t in a terrible rush to get to this appointment and so I tried to just enjoy listening to my favorite morning show and slowly move down the interstate. I got to the office right on time and was taken back immediately. I knew the ultrasound tech didn’t have much hope either as the first words out of her mouth were “you’re alone?” – yup. Sure am. Not everyone can take off of work so many times and E just couldn’t do it. It is what it is. He has issues with his emotions and I was sort of glad he wasn’t going to be there. If it went badly he would be very angry (how he expresses his sadness) and that is not what I wanted to deal with.

I didn’t cry, I just got undressed and up on the table. Same routine only this time after a few minutes I didn’t hear “I’ve got a heart beat,” I heard “there hasn’t been any change in growth.” I asked if there was a heart beat and before she could answer just said never mind, if there wasn’t any growth I’m sure it doesn’t matter much. She told me she would need another minute but she didn’t see one. I kept my composure while she took a few more pictures and then I went to get dressed. As soon as the bathroom door closed I lost it. I couldn’t help it. My baby was gone.

When I came out she showed me to another room and I sat there sobbing while waiting on the nurse. I texted E and told him that there was no heart beat and that I was so sorry. I didn’t know what else to say… I lost our baby. I can’t even get through typing this without tears running down my face. I just can’t believe it.

The nurse came in went over everything. She said that no fetal heart activity was identified and it appears that the yolk sac essentially split in two which is indicative of a genetic deformity. She then went over my options; 1) wait for nature to take it’s course, 2) a medication to essentially induce labor but it’s not guaranteed to expel all the contents, or 3) a D&C. I asked about the pros and cons of each and with options 1 and 2, since I haven’t had any spotting or cramping she said “your uterus just likes being pregnant and doesn’t want to let go” – yea, thanks. I didn’t want to let go either. After speaking with E we opted for a D&C which is scheduled for tomorrow. I don’t want to prolong the process and honestly the idea of my dead baby just sitting inside me upsets me more than anything.

I left feeling numb and drained. I don’t know how those of you who have gone through this once, let alone multiple times, move on. I feel like I am going to be stuck in this state for the rest of my life.

This also comes at a difficult time… G’s third birthday party is on Sunday. How on earth am I going to get everything together and plaster a smile on my face knowing that I just lost my baby. I’m going to do it for him, of course, but fuck. I’m hoping something just takes over me and I magically pull it off beautifully. We’ll see.

Thank you all for your support and kind words as I have been going through this ❤


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I couldn’t wait

On Friday, when I had my ultrasound and we got not so great news, the nurse told me that if I need some peace of mind that I could just call and as long as I could get there, they would fit me in. All weekend was hell and I just couldn’t imagine waiting till Thursday to go back without knowing something.

My symptoms over the weekend began to fade and have all but disappeared. This morning after waking I just decided I couldn’t wait and I needed to go in. I knew that it had only been 2 days but I didn’t care. I needed to know whether my baby still had a heartbeat or not. I called right as the clinic opened and found a time that worked with my meeting schedule. I was anxious but I wanted to get it over with.

My noon meeting ended early and so instead of sitting at home I decided to go. Maybe they could take me early. When I walked in there was no other patients so I was lucky and they did in fact take me back 30 minutes early.

It was a different ultrasound technician, one I like more than the other, but it was the same routine. Get on the table and she says “ok, let me look around for a minute.” It was so quiet. I had silent tears rolling down my face as I just prayed that everything was ok. I don’t even remember what she said to break the silence… but essentially there is still a heartbeat. It doesn’t end there though.

The baby did grow from 3.8mm to 4.4mm. This still translates to 6w1d on their machine but she says to focus on the fact that it did in fact grow and not necessarily that it’s still reading as the same day. They tried to pick the heartbeat up about 6 times but couldn’t so we couldn’t actually get a read on the bpm. In addition to that they found what appears to be another yolk sac that was definitely not there on Friday. They couldn’t find another fetal pole and it wouldn’t come into clear view but it was definitely there. They took a bunch of pictures and are going to show Dr. B. I have no idea if I will get a call from Dr. B or what but that just sort of throws another question up in the air. Could that be impacting the growth of this baby? I have no clue.

Maybe I shouldn’t have gone in at all and waited because now I feel like there are more questions than answers but at least I know my little bean is still with me. He/She is hanging on and I have got to start thinking positively in order to give him/her the best shot possible. I want this baby so badly and hate that I have been crying so much instead of being excited. I am sure the stress can’t be good.

Off to take a big deep breath and hope the next three days go by quickly.


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“Cautiously Optimistic”

Today was the day. I finally made it to ultrasound day. I have been waiting 5 long weeks for this… It wasn’t exactly what I had hoped for.

E and I got to the office early, as usual, and they took us right back. I’ve said it once and I will say it again; I miss our old office. The ultrasound technician told me she would look around and then turn the screen to show me. Those few minutes were hell. Just dead silence in the room while she was staring at the screen and I had my eyes squeezed shut, silently praying that we would hear good words.

She broke the silence by saying “it’s really small but I do have a baby with a heartbeat.” So while I felt a tiny sense of relief, my mind immediately went to… well how small? Today I should be 6w6d and the baby is measuring 5 days behind at 6w1d. She said they do give a 5 day grace period so I fall within that so that’s ok. Next she measured the heart rate, 3 separate times, and it’s only at 75bpm. That seemed incredibly low to me. She took a few more pictures of my ovaries and I got dressed. She showed E and I to another room to wait for the nurse to come and talk to us.

While waiting E and I both jumped on google, which we know we shouldn’t do. A 6-7 week heart rate should be 90-110. So yes, it’s low. The nurse came in and started going over everything. She said she’s not going to be all doom and gloom because we did see a heartbeat and that measuring 5 days behind isn’t that bad since we did IUI and don’t know when fertilization/implantation occurred. I asked her about the heart rate and she said 75 is normal for 6w1d… this didn’t make sense to me but I didn’t want to question her because how would that change the outcome? She told us that at this point it could go either way and we should be cautiously optimistic, that I need to come back in 6-7 days for another ultrasound to see how things are looking and we would know a little bit more.

We left the room a little teary eyed but holding it together. I made my appointment for next Thursday which was a hassle because it’s not their normal protocol to do an ultrasound after 1 week but whatever, I got it scheduled.

E and I were silent as we walked through the hospital to our cars. When we got to the parking deck he asked if I was okay to which I responded “just nervous… I feel like the nurse was trying to be more optimistic than it is.” He retorted saying he thought she did a terrible job and made it sound hopeless. It’s interesting how two people can hear the same thing and get two very different impressions.

I really don’t know what to think. I am going to try to stay off google but I know it’s going to be next to impossible. I just wanted good news today… I wanted to go into the weekend feeling secure. Now I have more doubt than ever. It’ll be interesting to see how I hold up the next 6 days, that’s for sure. I didn’t even get a picture of my little bean, I was too caught up in the conversation that I didn’t think to ask for a copy of the picture and they didn’t freely give me one which makes me incredibly sad. It may be the only picture I get to have of him/her. Hopefully next week I can either get one if it’s good news or ask for a copy of the one from today.

Fuck me. I hate this shit.


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Time is standing still

Why is it when you dread something it seems to be upon you in no time and when you’re looking forward to something, it takes forever?

Time feels like it is absolutely standing still. It’s just not moving. All I want to know is if we have a growing baby groot (our affectionate name) and a beating heart. By this time next week I will know. Friday at 8am can’t arrive soon enough.

We don’t have a lot of things planned this weekend and next week my meeting schedule is fairly light which means the next 6.5 days are going to be torture.

I will be 6 weeks tomorrow and some days I have symptoms (which I love) and other days, like today, I feel nothing (which is terrifying). I should be ok with this since the same thing happened when I was pregnant with G but I’m not. It’s still so scary in the beginning. You work so hard to get to this point and then the utter fear settles in and holds on.

I have taken more pregnancy tests than I care to admit and still have at least 2 that I will be taking before my ultrasound. I just need to see that line dark and not getting lighter.

I can’t believe it’s only been 2 weeks since we found out our 5th IUI worked… that’s just crazy. I find myself daydreaming of how we are going to tell our families and feeling the baby move and while I try to keep a realistic view on things I also let myself enjoy. I haven’t bought anything yet or made any specific plans but it’s so nice to think that all of this could be coming true.

Please send some good thoughts that this next week will fly by!!!

 


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19DPIUI #5 / Beta #3

Can you ever just take a sigh of relief? Every part of infertility/pregnancy after infertility is holding your breath and waiting. I keep waiting to be able to take that deep breath. To just enjoy the moment, however brief it is.

I made it to my appointment with plenty of time to spare even with the crazy traffic around here. I took a seat and the nurse called me back almost immediately. She saw me and asked how I was, when I paused she simply said “even more nervous than Tuesday?” Yea, well that’s an understatement. We talked briefly on what they were looking for today which was insightful; they don’t care about doubling time, they just want to see at least a 60% increase over 48 hours. So I needed to have a bare minimum number of 316 today. I obviously was hoping for a higher number but 316 would be right at 60%.

I didn’t take a HPT yesterday but did take one this morning and the line is in fact darker but still not as dark/darker than the control line. So I did have hope that it wasn’t decreasing but I wasn’t sure on how much it was increasing simply based on the darkness of the line. I wish there was a way to test for numbers at home… maybe I need to invent it. I could make millions!

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The wait was torture today. Absolute pure and utter torture. I stared at my phone and willed it to ring all day. Even before I knew the blood had left their office. I just couldn’t help it.

All that being said, they called at 1:30 and my numbers are 442.5 which equates to a rise of 124.9%!!!!!! The nurse indicated that the chance of it being ectopic with these results are incredibly low so there is no real reason to do a 4th beta. I have my 7 week ultrasound on August 18th and I can’t wait.

I know there are so many more hurdles to get through but for right now I feel like I can breath for a few amazing minutes.


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17DPIUI #5/Beta #2

The past couple days have been a whirlwind of emotions. I have been testing every day and have had varying degree of line darkness which has caused my crazy infertile self to escalate the crazy to a whole new level. The fact that I had to wait 4 days (instead of the typical 2) for my second beta results hasn’t helped.

I mean this is a fertility clinic… don’t they know how anxious infertiles are? How could they think it’s a good idea to put someone through a 4 day wait? I let them know it too. The excuse of “because it makes the math easier” just doesn’t cut it for me. There are beta calculators or even regular calculators… seriously, how hard is it to calculate a doubling time? Their response was “you think this wait is bad, the next 3 weeks until your ultrasound is going to be torture.” I tried real hard not to roll my eyes.

I’ve had a few symptoms that I’m not so sure I had with G. I’m starving almost all the time but I can’t seem to eat much without feeling incredibly full. My breasts are actually sore this time around. I never really had any change in feeling in them with G, they even burn sometimes which isn’t exactly a pleasant feeling (but very welcome). Lack of sleep although that may be caused by the extreme anxiety over the beta wait. Lastly, the feeling of round ligament pain/stretching when I could sneeze.

Anyways my number today is 197 with a doubling time of 69.48 hours.

So, not great news. I have to go again Thursday for beta #3 and see what’s happening. I sort of had a feeling it wasn’t going to be great because my lines, while very clear, are still not darker than the control line. Ugh 😦