"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

“Cautiously Optimistic”


Today was the day. I finally made it to ultrasound day. I have been waiting 5 long weeks for this… It wasn’t exactly what I had hoped for.

E and I got to the office early, as usual, and they took us right back. I’ve said it once and I will say it again; I miss our old office. The ultrasound technician told me she would look around and then turn the screen to show me. Those few minutes were hell. Just dead silence in the room while she was staring at the screen and I had my eyes squeezed shut, silently praying that we would hear good words.

She broke the silence by saying “it’s really small but I do have a baby with a heartbeat.” So while I felt a tiny sense of relief, my mind immediately went to… well how small? Today I should be 6w6d and the baby is measuring 5 days behind at 6w1d. She said they do give a 5 day grace period so I fall within that so that’s ok. Next she measured the heart rate, 3 separate times, and it’s only at 75bpm. That seemed incredibly low to me. She took a few more pictures of my ovaries and I got dressed. She showed E and I to another room to wait for the nurse to come and talk to us.

While waiting E and I both jumped on google, which we know we shouldn’t do. A 6-7 week heart rate should be 90-110. So yes, it’s low. The nurse came in and started going over everything. She said she’s not going to be all doom and gloom because we did see a heartbeat and that measuring 5 days behind isn’t that bad since we did IUI and don’t know when fertilization/implantation occurred. I asked her about the heart rate and she said 75 is normal for 6w1d… this didn’t make sense to me but I didn’t want to question her because how would that change the outcome? She told us that at this point it could go either way and we should be cautiously optimistic, that I need to come back in 6-7 days for another ultrasound to see how things are looking and we would know a little bit more.

We left the room a little teary eyed but holding it together. I made my appointment for next Thursday which was a hassle because it’s not their normal protocol to do an ultrasound after 1 week but whatever, I got it scheduled.

E and I were silent as we walked through the hospital to our cars. When we got to the parking deck he asked if I was okay to which I responded “just nervous… I feel like the nurse was trying to be more optimistic than it is.” He retorted saying he thought she did a terrible job and made it sound hopeless. It’s interesting how two people can hear the same thing and get two very different impressions.

I really don’t know what to think. I am going to try to stay off google but I know it’s going to be next to impossible. I just wanted good news today… I wanted to go into the weekend feeling secure. Now I have more doubt than ever. It’ll be interesting to see how I hold up the next 6 days, that’s for sure. I didn’t even get a picture of my little bean, I was too caught up in the conversation that I didn’t think to ask for a copy of the picture and they didn’t freely give me one which makes me incredibly sad. It may be the only picture I get to have of him/her. Hopefully next week I can either get one if it’s good news or ask for a copy of the one from today.

Fuck me. I hate this shit.

8 thoughts on ““Cautiously Optimistic”

  1. I hate this shit, too. I’m hoping you get good news next week.

  2. Oh dear. I’m sorry. I know that’s not the news you wanted to get today. I hope next week will be much better. And I hope this wait zips by for you.

  3. Man, I am so sorry the scan result wasn’t more certain. It’s so hard to wait. I pray that the little baby holds on tight and grows a lot this next week.

  4. Thinking of you… but I do have to say that with all my years of researching and researching (and you know I’ve spent my fair share of time on Google), I have known this to be normal bc the heart literally starts beating now. 5 days behind is also normal. N was behind and when we should have seen a heartbeat-didn’t. I know this is so hard! Hoping for you!

    • Thank you ❤️ I know what hell you went through and your words give me some level of hope. Today it appears what little symptoms I did have aren’t there anymore so that’s really discouraging. I just hope I’m wrong.

  5. Pingback: I can breathe again | "Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

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