"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

I couldn’t wait


On Friday, when I had my ultrasound and we got not so great news, the nurse told me that if I need some peace of mind that I could just call and as long as I could get there, they would fit me in. All weekend was hell and I just couldn’t imagine waiting till Thursday to go back without knowing something.

My symptoms over the weekend began to fade and have all but disappeared. This morning after waking I just decided I couldn’t wait and I needed to go in. I knew that it had only been 2 days but I didn’t care. I needed to know whether my baby still had a heartbeat or not. I called right as the clinic opened and found a time that worked with my meeting schedule. I was anxious but I wanted to get it over with.

My noon meeting ended early and so instead of sitting at home I decided to go. Maybe they could take me early. When I walked in there was no other patients so I was lucky and they did in fact take me back 30 minutes early.

It was a different ultrasound technician, one I like more than the other, but it was the same routine. Get on the table and she says “ok, let me look around for a minute.” It was so quiet. I had silent tears rolling down my face as I just prayed that everything was ok. I don’t even remember what she said to break the silence… but essentially there is still a heartbeat. It doesn’t end there though.

The baby did grow from 3.8mm to 4.4mm. This still translates to 6w1d on their machine but she says to focus on the fact that it did in fact grow and not necessarily that it’s still reading as the same day. They tried to pick the heartbeat up about 6 times but couldn’t so we couldn’t actually get a read on the bpm. In addition to that they found what appears to be another yolk sac that was definitely not there on Friday. They couldn’t find another fetal pole and it wouldn’t come into clear view but it was definitely there. They took a bunch of pictures and are going to show Dr. B. I have no idea if I will get a call from Dr. B or what but that just sort of throws another question up in the air. Could that be impacting the growth of this baby? I have no clue.

Maybe I shouldn’t have gone in at all and waited because now I feel like there are more questions than answers but at least I know my little bean is still with me. He/She is hanging on and I have got to start thinking positively in order to give him/her the best shot possible. I want this baby so badly and hate that I have been crying so much instead of being excited. I am sure the stress can’t be good.

Off to take a big deep breath and hope the next three days go by quickly.

7 thoughts on “I couldn’t wait

  1. I’m so very sorry you have to endure this incredible uncertainty – I send you virtual hugs & injections of hope. Thinking of you today xxx

  2. Uncertainty and waiting is so hard – try to be gentle with yourself! I’m sending you good thoughts

  3. Oh my! Are you still scheduled for another ultrasound on Thursday? What a very trying situation!

  4. Oh gosh, that is so nerve wracking. I hope you are doing ok. So glad to hear baby is still doing ok and has a heartbeat. Don’t worry too much about the growth. Our baby was measuring about five days behind at 8 weeks and I was nervous but then he/she caught up two weeks later. It’s quite normal for them to have growth spurts. My doctor explained to me that they don’t grow linearly each day. Really hope you’ll get some good news tomorrow. You’re in my thoughts x

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