One of the few things you probably shouldn’t say to someone who just found out her baby no longer has a heart beat… but we’ll get to that.
This morning was my follow-up ultrasound. The past 2.5 days I had pretty much convinced myself that today was going to go terribly. I had several moments of hope where I thought that magically my baby would have caught up and been totally normal but they were few and far between. All my symptoms were gone and I just sort of knew.
There was terrible traffic this morning but for once it didn’t really bother me. I wasn’t in a terrible rush to get to this appointment and so I tried to just enjoy listening to my favorite morning show and slowly move down the interstate. I got to the office right on time and was taken back immediately. I knew the ultrasound tech didn’t have much hope either as the first words out of her mouth were “you’re alone?” – yup. Sure am. Not everyone can take off of work so many times and E just couldn’t do it. It is what it is. He has issues with his emotions and I was sort of glad he wasn’t going to be there. If it went badly he would be very angry (how he expresses his sadness) and that is not what I wanted to deal with.
I didn’t cry, I just got undressed and up on the table. Same routine only this time after a few minutes I didn’t hear “I’ve got a heart beat,” I heard “there hasn’t been any change in growth.” I asked if there was a heart beat and before she could answer just said never mind, if there wasn’t any growth I’m sure it doesn’t matter much. She told me she would need another minute but she didn’t see one. I kept my composure while she took a few more pictures and then I went to get dressed. As soon as the bathroom door closed I lost it. I couldn’t help it. My baby was gone.
When I came out she showed me to another room and I sat there sobbing while waiting on the nurse. I texted E and told him that there was no heart beat and that I was so sorry. I didn’t know what else to say… I lost our baby. I can’t even get through typing this without tears running down my face. I just can’t believe it.
The nurse came in went over everything. She said that no fetal heart activity was identified and it appears that the yolk sac essentially split in two which is indicative of a genetic deformity. She then went over my options; 1) wait for nature to take it’s course, 2) a medication to essentially induce labor but it’s not guaranteed to expel all the contents, or 3) a D&C. I asked about the pros and cons of each and with options 1 and 2, since I haven’t had any spotting or cramping she said “your uterus just likes being pregnant and doesn’t want to let go” – yea, thanks. I didn’t want to let go either. After speaking with E we opted for a D&C which is scheduled for tomorrow. I don’t want to prolong the process and honestly the idea of my dead baby just sitting inside me upsets me more than anything.
I left feeling numb and drained. I don’t know how those of you who have gone through this once, let alone multiple times, move on. I feel like I am going to be stuck in this state for the rest of my life.
This also comes at a difficult time… G’s third birthday party is on Sunday. How on earth am I going to get everything together and plaster a smile on my face knowing that I just lost my baby. I’m going to do it for him, of course, but fuck. I’m hoping something just takes over me and I magically pull it off beautifully. We’ll see.
Thank you all for your support and kind words as I have been going through this ❤