"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


*Post talks about miscarriage and D&C, please skip if this will be triggering*

I firstly want to say thank you for the love and support on my previous post. I haven’t had the mental energy to respond to everyone but I have read all the comments ❤

I tried coming up with a title for this but nothing seems right or seems to fit. The past 4 days feel like weeks… how did I have surgery to remove my little baby only 4 days ago? It feels like a lifetime and yet only yesterday. I have spent more time crying than I have my whole adult life. I honestly don’t know how I have any tears left.

Friday morning came along as it should. I slept so poorly and cried most of Thursday night. I just wasn’t ready to give my baby back… even if he/she was no longer truly with us. I found myself hoping that maybe that night I would start to miscarry naturally so maybe my mind could realize that the baby was gone. Having zero symptoms of a miscarriage was really difficult for me because it didn’t feel real. How could the baby no longer be here if my body isn’t telling me anything is wrong? Regardless, I got up Friday morning and stuck with my typical routine with G. Got him up, fed, ready for school and dropped off. When I got home I took a long hot shower and then crawled back into bed with E.

We stayed in bed until the last possible second, dozing and crying on and off, until we had to get ready to go to the hospital. Checking in was uneventful. I got brought back in a pre-op room fairly quickly and they didn’t have too much trouble starting my IV. I had a slew of different people come in and confirm what I was having done… the term “missed abortion” will be seared into my memory for the rest of my life. I did good and only teared up once while waiting. E tried to make the mood a little lighter and it worked a little. He was incredibly strong sitting next to me. My doctor came in and went over everything and confirmed that we will send everything to pathology and for genetic testing which will take 1-2 weeks to get back. I’m happy we decided to do the testing, I want to know what happened.

They were running about an hour late so I didn’t actually get taken back until almost 1pm. I kissed E good-bye and I was wheeled down to the OR. The next thing that happened will never leave me. As I was pushed into my OR, there was a nurse happily singing to whatever song was on the radio. It took me a minute to realize that she was actually singing and it wasn’t just the radio. She came over to introduce herself and then went back to singing… All I could think about was the fact that they were getting ready to physically take my baby from my body and she’s singing? I broke down and started crying. It was so disrespectful in my eyes. How could she be happily singing when my entire world is crashing down around me? At that point I lost it. The anesthesiologist had just put some drugs in my IV and the oxygen mask over my face and I just started bawling. This was really happening. Luckily my assigned nurse quickly grabbed my hand, squeezed it tight, and started wiping the tears from my face. That’s the last thing I remember before waking up in the recovery room.

The physical recovery has been fine; mild cramping and minimal bleeding. Mentally I am as screwed up as I assumed I would be. I just can’t stop crying.

To compound matters even further, G’s birthday party was on Sunday. It has been a total mind fuck to celebrate the birth of one child while completely mourning the loss of another. His party was at a bounce house place and I was the only parent who wasn’t in the inflatables with their kid. I got some weird looks from my friends who didn’t know but that’s about it and I did a great job, I only cried once while we were there and hid it completely. No one knew. It was a great birthday party but so mentally draining and even though I took it as easy as I could I definitely overdid it as the cramps and bleeding picked up exceptionally that night.

I took the day off from work yesterday as well. I needed just one more day to cry and feel sorry for myself. I took G to school in the morning, came home, took a hot shower and cried my eyes out in bed till 11am. By then I felt good and numb. I pulled myself up and thought it was best if I ate something. I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of the day doing nothing so I decided to go to Hobby Lobby and get some materials to make a floral arrangement for my foyer. I stopped and got some lunch on the way home and spent the afternoon watching tv and putting my arrangement together (which looks great). By the time I was done it was time to get G from school. No more time for crying. The evening went by fine and I kept it together.

I thought it would have just been an easy transition into sleep but instead the crying started again… and kept up for 45 minutes straight. E just laid there and held me as the tears just kept coming. I’m drained. So physically and mentally drained.

I don’t even know my next steps. I emailed the clinic and asked when I need to come in for my HCG drawn or if it was even necessary because of the D&C. I just want my baby back. With every ounce of my being, I want my baby back.

I am sure each day will get a little better but right now I still feel like it’s never going to end. Like the immense pain is never going to go away.


10 thoughts on “

  1. I’m really sorry. That all sounds awful. Thinking of you during this difficult time

  2. I’m so sorry and will be thinking of you ❤️

  3. I am so incredibly sorry. Sending my love.

  4. I’m so sorry you have gone through this. Take time to heal emotionally and take good care of yourself.

  5. 😭

    Love to you. 💕

  6. Oh this is so hard and terrible. I’m thinking of you. ❤

  7. Pingback: Confirmation | "Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

  8. Pingback: Closure | "Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

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