"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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Feeling Disconnected

I keep waiting to feel better. I keep waiting to wake up and feel normal again. It’s not happening. It’s been almost 5 weeks since we learned that our baby no longer had a heartbeat and I haven’t come back to life yet.

I am walking around, doing my job, making sure the house is clean, feeding all living things in the house, and trying to find fun things to do with G. Anyone from the outside looking in probably wouldn’t think anything was different with the exception of me being a little extra tired. I’m putting on a fairly good show, if I do say so myself.

However, I feel anything but fine. I was speaking to a friend the other day and was trying to describe what was going on… I can’t seem to feel the joy in things I felt before. When G does something adorable I recognize that but I dont feel it. I am going through the motions without any emotion behind it. I am able to talk about the miscarriage now without crying, without feeling sad. I miss her every day and wish she was still with me every second but it’s simply not invoking anything within me anymore. As if everything is happening to someone else or I am having some sort of out of body experience. She said “almost as if you’re disconnected” and that’s the perfect word for it. I feel completely disconnected from my life.

Maybe this is a stage of grief. Maybe this is normal after years of infertility and a miscarriage. I have nothing to compare it to so I really don’t know, however each morning I continue to wake up and hope to feel different. Hope to feel like me again.


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Personal and IVF updates

Just some random updates that don’t all need a separate post…

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I decided to take a break from Facebook. It’s only been about 36 hours but I already feel a little better. On Sunday night I was assaulted with a pregnancy announcement that hit me harder than it should have. 14 months ago when we had our first IUI for baby #2 I sat having brunch with a friend and discussing all the possibilities and options. I remember being so hopeful and excited to finally be starting treatment again for a second baby.

She sat there, listened, and was excited for me. Her son was just about to turn 1 and she said that she couldn’t imagine having another baby right then but that they wanted to start trying in the spring/summer of 2017. We both ended up moving and have just stayed in touch via Facebook. On Sunday night she posted a happy 2nd birthday message to her son and stated that she was promoting him to big brother in March. She’s about 18 weeks. After reading that I just knew I needed a break. I am walking on thin ice right now as it is and stepping away from Facebook can only help get my mind back on track.

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Emotionally I am still in a weird place. Depressed is a pretty good word for it but I am quick to anger, quick to cry, and mostly just want to be by myself. E and I came to an agreement on something to get that represents the girl we just lost but I feel more like he “gave in” rather than agreed. We have very different ideas on how to process and move forward… He wants to suppress the feelings and move past as if nothing happened while I simply can’t do that. I am terrified that she will be forgotten and I think about her and the pregnancy practically every second of every day still. I should be happily 11 weeks pregnant and graduating from the RE at the end of this week and instead I am staring at myself in the mirror wondering how this has all gone so horribly wrong. Wondering why my body failed me. Trying to process the grief while feeling like I am drowning. I keep waiting to come out of the fog but it’s been almost 4 weeks and I don’t see an end in sight. Maybe the act of moving forward to get pregnant again will pull me out.

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Our IVF consent form signing and injection class were today and it went smoothly. I found out what my protocol would be (Gonal F and Ganirelix) and how to inject everything which was all very easy. I did discover that both of these meds are actually covered under my insurance with prior authorization which is an absolutely huge deal. Depending on what size Gonal F pen they dispense I am looking at around $500 for stim medication. Unbelievable.

Timelines are still a little up in the air. The current plan is the following:

  1. Schedule anesthesia consult and push the business office to get my prior auth paperwork in.
  2. Wait for AF to arrive… when it does, pray that the prior auth has already gone through.
  3. Stim/Egg retrieval/fertilization/embryo freezing
  4. Hysteroscopy
  5. Transfer

We hope to get all of this done before the end of the year because we have already met our insurance deductible and am so close to hitting my max out of pocket. However, my clinics lab closes for a few weeks over Christmas so that could throw a bit of a wrench in our plans. If I am past a certain point in the month, even if I am ready, the lab would close and my transfer would be postponed. There is a chance that if nothing is found in my hysteroscopy we could be done, start to finish, in 7 to 8 weeks. If there is something found I would be on uterine rest for a month and we could have to postpone the transfer until the first of the year. I hate that this is going to drag on for a few more months but this is the best plan we’ve got.


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Results and next steps

It’s amazing what you can get done when you subtly threaten to run something up the food chain. A few days ago I spoke about how angry I was about not receiving my genetic testing results in a timely fashion due to my doctor being on vacation and them not having a covering doctor in place to simply read results. I was determined to write a strongly worded email to whoever ran this clinic but I couldn’t find a list of names/emails on their website. I decided to let myself cool down and since I was going into the clinic yesterday (Thursday) for my next HCG blood draw I would ask.

I walked into the clinic right as they opened and all 3 receptionists were there (2 of which were the ones who called me on Tuesday). I checked in and calmly asked for the name, number, and email for whoever ran the clinic. The one receptionist who I did not talk to on Tuesday was very cheery and gave me what I wanted. That was it, I didn’t say anything else but the two other receptionists kept looking over at me while I was waiting to be called back. I was taken back, blood drawn, and left without issue and was home by 8:45 am.

At 10am I get a call from the clinic. It was my nurse who said she got ahold of Dr. B and wanted to know if I was available to talk with her now. Absolutely! We hung up and 2 minutes later Dr. B calls… It’s sad that it took me being so upset and asking for information for this to happen. This was definitely not a coincidence. Regardless…

I had a perfectly normal girl.

There was no genetic reason as to why I miscarried. I was honestly hoping for something genetically wrong, now I just feel like I did something. We talked about the possibilities of there being something weird with my uterus or that I have certain antibodies that could have caused a clot in the placenta. So essentially Dr. B wants to do an outpatient procedure to review my uterus for a septum or any polyps that could have caused me to lose the baby. However,  we have so many options on our next course of action:

1) Wait 3 months to see if I have the particular antibody that could have caused a blood clot in the placenta and do the above mentioned procedure. Whether I wait and have the test and do show a positive for this antibody or skip the test she would still put me on a medication (Lovenox) as if I did have it. **we don’t want to wait and since she would put me on the medication regardless, this isn’t going to happen** 

2) Do the procedure, if nothing is wrong do 1 more IUI and then move to IVF. If something needs to be fixed, I’d have to wait a month and then we could do 1 more IUI and then move to IVF. **this is an option however this would put us into the new year and we have already met our deductible**

3) Move right to IVF. I can start stimming as soon as I get my period back and we could do the retrieval/fertilization, then freeze them. Then do the procedure and see if anything needs to be fixed. If it does we can do it and wait the month. If it doesn’t then we can prep for transfer and we should be able to fit it all in this year.

Considering we have met our deductible, only have about $1,700 left on our coinsurance, and we have two full IVF’s covered on our insurance… option 3 is what we are going with. Even if it costs us $5k to do the IVF it’s way better than waiting until next year where it would be a minimum of $11k based on deductibles and out of pocket stuff.

We have started the prior approval process with our insurance, the consent forms have been emailed to me, and we have our injection class scheduled for Tuesday. Today marks 3 weeks from the D&C and I am hoping to get my period back in the next week or 2. However considering my HCG levels are still not at zero (yesterday they were 9.7) that may not happen.

I have barely begun to process the fact that our little girl had nothing wrong with her and to be honest it may take me a while. It doesn’t seem possible that we don’t have an explanation for what happened and my mind doesn’t want to accept that as reality. I am sure one day soon it will hit me like a ton of bricks and I will have to fully deal with it but right now that is just not happening.


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So angry

You know that feeling you get when you are so angry your chest hurts and you just want to punch something. You just feel sick? That’s what I am feeling right now.

Friday was 2 weeks since my D&C and I was told the genetic testing and pathology would take 1-2 weeks to come in. I didn’t hear anything Friday so I emailed them yesterday. Turns out they were closed due to weather and were going to have a late start today. Of course.

Well I just got the call… from their receptionist. She proceeded to inform me that my results came in LAST WEEK and my doctor was SUPPOSED TO CALL ME before leaving on vacation but she RAN OUT OF TIME. Are you fucking kidding me? She’s on vacation all this week so she set me up a phone consult for Monday (9/18) at 4pm.

I honestly feel bad for the girl that called me. I lost it on her. Full on crying and cussing. I asked if there was another doctor that could read me the results… “unfortunately, no.” I told her that losing a baby is hard enough and sitting waiting on these results has been torture, when I was told it would take 1-2 weeks. If I hadn’t reached out no one would have told me there was going to be an extra delay. I told her that this was absolutely unacceptable and there should be a covering doctor to oversee this type of thing while she’s gone… to bring all of this to their next staff meeting. She just kept apologizing, I know she had nothing to do with this but fuck! Who else am I going to go off on?

I’m just so angry.

Edit: They just called me back and wanted to move it to THURSDAY! Apparently the woman who called me earlier didn’t realize Dr. B has a department meeting Monday at 4pm. I told her no. That I would not accept a Thursday appointment and absolutely freaked out on her. After about 2 minutes of me going off she said she could put me down at 5pm on Tuesday. I can’t even process this.


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3 years old

August 30, 2017

G,

Wow. You are three years old. How is that even possible? It feels like just yesterday you were this tiny 8 pound 8 ounce baby who fit the length of one arm and now you’re 38 pounds and have an opinion about everything. You’ve adjusted so well after our move and into your new school… so much has happened.

We tried potty training on March 20th because you woke up that morning and told me you didn’t want a diaper. You did amazing the first day but after that, not so much. You so adorably demanded your diaper back and that was ok, I wasn’t in any rush to get you out of diapers. However, on July 4th we decided we would try again and the rest is history. You’ve done so amazingly well. I can count on one hand the amount of wet accidents you’ve had. You did have a little trouble with poop accidents for a little while but we’ve made great strides! You haven’t been in diapers in two months… your dad and I are so proud!

In April you went on your first boat ride. I was a little skeptical since you have been known to show some apprehension to new things but you seriously surprised me. You loved every second of it and didn’t even mind wearing your lifejacket! You couldn’t stop talking about it for weeks on end… always asking to go back on the boat. We’ve gone a few times since then and you love it each and every time.

In May your Uncle Adam got married and we flew down to Miami for the wedding. What a weekend that was. We got to spend time at the beach and at the pool and you met all sorts of family for the first time. Your love for your new Aunt Bekka began the night of the wedding and has done nothing but grow since then. You would probably spend every day with her if given the opportunity. You had a blast the night of the wedding and wanted to dance the entire night… and by dance I mean sit on your daddy’s shoulders while he danced. It was wonderful and you stayed up until midnight! We were all so impressed.

The following weekend, we decided it was time for you to get a big boy bed. It was getting harder and harder to carry you from your rocking chair to your bed at night and we thought you were ready. Your dad spent one Friday putting together your new bedframe and picking up your new mattress. Your face when you walked into your room and saw your bed was priceless. I asked you what it was and you exclaimed, “MY BED!” It was so precious. From that night on you’ve slept in your full size bed with zero issues. You love getting in bed each night and you haven’t gotten out of bed in the middle of the night once! The next thing we need to do is get rid of your paci… that’s going to be a hard one!

In June you started swim class. I thought for sure you’d love it from the second you walked in but I was quite wrong. The first class was such a terrible disaster… you screamed the entire time. I was at a loss as to what I should do. Should I sit by the glass for you to see me, should I hide somewhere, do I go and sit in the car? It was terrible but I was determined that you would like it if we kept going. The second class was a little better and by the third you were walking in by yourself. You love it now and are doing so well.

We also went on a big beach trip this year at the end of June. We spent an entire week with Grammy, Zayda, GG, and Poppy and had a lot of fun. We took a boat trip where we saw tons of dolphins and a few manatees, which was the absolute highlight of our trip. Every time you saw one you would shout “dolphin!” and point. The tour guide joked that he wasn’t even needed because you were doing such a good job finding them. It was a wonderful trip.

In terms of school… you’ve moved from the younger two class to the older two class and just 3 weeks ago you moved into 3 Pre-K. There is so much more independence now… you are responsible for going potty by yourself, marking yourself present each morning, and keeping track of all your belongings. You truly love this new class of yours and are always smiling when I pick you up each afternoon and you almost never have objections about going to school in the morning. Overall it’s been wonderful.

You definitely still have your difficult days. You are quite sensitive and very opinionated but we are working on keeping everything in check. The tantrums you throw can be quite epic but I think they are getting less and less as you’re learning that they never work to get what you want. We have had such an amazing year and I can’t wait to see what the next year brings us. Some words of advice; stay strong, stay opinionated and stay affectionate. You have so much potential wrapped up in that tiny little body and we can’t wait to see it explode.

I love you more than you will ever begin to imagine.

-Mommy


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2 weeks

It’s been two weeks since my baby was taken from me. I know that’s not exactly how it happened but I can’t help but feel that way. I wasn’t ready to lose him/her. I wasn’t prepared to give him/her back. I still wish with every ounce of my being that I could somehow go back and change the outcome. That we could be celebrating the fact that I would be 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow. But, that’s not real life. This nightmare is not going to suddenly end with me darting up in bed in a cold sweat… this is it. I’m really living it.

I think the bleeding is finally on its way out. Yesterday I had several hours of no spotting and while I had a little this morning, nothing since. The cramps have ceased and soon I will have no more physical signs at all. I had my HCG levels checked yesterday and they are already down to 49.5 so maybe by next week they will be back to 0 and after that it’s as if my pregnancy never existed. As if my baby was never truly here.

Each day has gotten better in the sense that the breakdowns are fewer. I am not crying as much and I don’t have the sheer debilitating sadness every second of every day. I am finding I can smile at things G is doing again. I can be a part of conversations our friends are having without totally zoning out. It’s getting better. However at least once a day if not more I get sucker punched in the gut with something that takes my breath away. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Haven’t we been through enough? I know it’s not nearly enough as some other people have been through during their IF journey but damn.

I still haven’t received the genetic testing or pathology results back which is frustrating since I was told 1-2 weeks. Why does everything take longer for me? Just my luck I guess…