Just some random updates that don’t all need a separate post…
I decided to take a break from Facebook. It’s only been about 36 hours but I already feel a little better. On Sunday night I was assaulted with a pregnancy announcement that hit me harder than it should have. 14 months ago when we had our first IUI for baby #2 I sat having brunch with a friend and discussing all the possibilities and options. I remember being so hopeful and excited to finally be starting treatment again for a second baby.
She sat there, listened, and was excited for me. Her son was just about to turn 1 and she said that she couldn’t imagine having another baby right then but that they wanted to start trying in the spring/summer of 2017. We both ended up moving and have just stayed in touch via Facebook. On Sunday night she posted a happy 2nd birthday message to her son and stated that she was promoting him to big brother in March. She’s about 18 weeks. After reading that I just knew I needed a break. I am walking on thin ice right now as it is and stepping away from Facebook can only help get my mind back on track.
Emotionally I am still in a weird place. Depressed is a pretty good word for it but I am quick to anger, quick to cry, and mostly just want to be by myself. E and I came to an agreement on something to get that represents the girl we just lost but I feel more like he “gave in” rather than agreed. We have very different ideas on how to process and move forward… He wants to suppress the feelings and move past as if nothing happened while I simply can’t do that. I am terrified that she will be forgotten and I think about her and the pregnancy practically every second of every day still. I should be happily 11 weeks pregnant and graduating from the RE at the end of this week and instead I am staring at myself in the mirror wondering how this has all gone so horribly wrong. Wondering why my body failed me. Trying to process the grief while feeling like I am drowning. I keep waiting to come out of the fog but it’s been almost 4 weeks and I don’t see an end in sight. Maybe the act of moving forward to get pregnant again will pull me out.
Our IVF consent form signing and injection class were today and it went smoothly. I found out what my protocol would be (Gonal F and Ganirelix) and how to inject everything which was all very easy. I did discover that both of these meds are actually covered under my insurance with prior authorization which is an absolutely huge deal. Depending on what size Gonal F pen they dispense I am looking at around $500 for stim medication. Unbelievable.
Timelines are still a little up in the air. The current plan is the following:
- Schedule anesthesia consult and push the business office to get my prior auth paperwork in.
- Wait for AF to arrive… when it does, pray that the prior auth has already gone through.
- Stim/Egg retrieval/fertilization/embryo freezing
We hope to get all of this done before the end of the year because we have already met our insurance deductible and am so close to hitting my max out of pocket. However, my clinics lab closes for a few weeks over Christmas so that could throw a bit of a wrench in our plans. If I am past a certain point in the month, even if I am ready, the lab would close and my transfer would be postponed. There is a chance that if nothing is found in my hysteroscopy we could be done, start to finish, in 7 to 8 weeks. If there is something found I would be on uterine rest for a month and we could have to postpone the transfer until the first of the year. I hate that this is going to drag on for a few more months but this is the best plan we’ve got.