"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

Feeling Disconnected

6 Comments

I keep waiting to feel better. I keep waiting to wake up and feel normal again. It’s not happening. It’s been almost 5 weeks since we learned that our baby no longer had a heartbeat and I haven’t come back to life yet.

I am walking around, doing my job, making sure the house is clean, feeding all living things in the house, and trying to find fun things to do with G. Anyone from the outside looking in probably wouldn’t think anything was different with the exception of me being a little extra tired. I’m putting on a fairly good show, if I do say so myself.

However, I feel anything but fine. I was speaking to a friend the other day and was trying to describe what was going on… I can’t seem to feel the joy in things I felt before. When G does something adorable I recognize that but I dont feel it. I am going through the motions without any emotion behind it. I am able to talk about the miscarriage now without crying, without feeling sad. I miss her every day and wish she was still with me every second but it’s simply not invoking anything within me anymore. As if everything is happening to someone else or I am having some sort of out of body experience. She said “almost as if you’re disconnected” and that’s the perfect word for it. I feel completely disconnected from my life.

Maybe this is a stage of grief. Maybe this is normal after years of infertility and a miscarriage. I have nothing to compare it to so I really don’t know, however each morning I continue to wake up and hope to feel different. Hope to feel like me again.

6 thoughts on “Feeling Disconnected

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Try to be gentle with yourself; grief is a process and sometimes the phases we pass through are disconnecting or bewildering. ❤️

  2. I totally get how you feel and am sorry you are going through it. X

  3. Yeah that’s depression–that’s how I felt when I was severely depressed. Have you considered talk therapy and/or medication? Thinking of you. XO

  4. We have lost several wee ones. And my heart knows the place you are in. The numb. Sending you big hugs. Prayer has been such a haven for me, and I’m spending moments now asking for comfort for you.

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