I keep waiting to feel better. I keep waiting to wake up and feel normal again. It’s not happening. It’s been almost 5 weeks since we learned that our baby no longer had a heartbeat and I haven’t come back to life yet.
I am walking around, doing my job, making sure the house is clean, feeding all living things in the house, and trying to find fun things to do with G. Anyone from the outside looking in probably wouldn’t think anything was different with the exception of me being a little extra tired. I’m putting on a fairly good show, if I do say so myself.
However, I feel anything but fine. I was speaking to a friend the other day and was trying to describe what was going on… I can’t seem to feel the joy in things I felt before. When G does something adorable I recognize that but I dont feel it. I am going through the motions without any emotion behind it. I am able to talk about the miscarriage now without crying, without feeling sad. I miss her every day and wish she was still with me every second but it’s simply not invoking anything within me anymore. As if everything is happening to someone else or I am having some sort of out of body experience. She said “almost as if you’re disconnected” and that’s the perfect word for it. I feel completely disconnected from my life.
Maybe this is a stage of grief. Maybe this is normal after years of infertility and a miscarriage. I have nothing to compare it to so I really don’t know, however each morning I continue to wake up and hope to feel different. Hope to feel like me again.