"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

The unexpected

20 Comments

You know those people you hear about who just randomly fall pregnant after years of infertility? How they give you hope that maybe one day you’ll be like them even though when you hear the stories you want to punch them in the throat? Yea…

About 3 hours after posting about my frustration with my clinic/insurance/body I got a call from their business office telling me my IVF was approved!!!!! My heart jumped for joy. My cycle hadn’t started yet and I was so excited that it looked like we were going to be able to do the IVF first followed by the hysteroscopy. It was 3:30 and my clinic turns their phones off at 2:30 on Friday’s. I panicked. What if my cycle started this weekend but I didn’t have my meds?! I immediately emailed my nurses and then called E to tell him the good news. He encouraged me to call the emergency line because we have waited on them long enough… I obliged. The on call nurse actually called my nurses who told her they saw my email and were working on putting everything together. So I wasted her time but whatever, they’ve wasted plenty of mine.

My nurse, L, calls me (she’s my favorite) and she’s thrilled I got the approval. She tells me that if my cycle is in fact that close to starting (I mean I had barely there spotting for 5 days, it was inevitable, right?) that I didn’t have time to wait for my IVF med approval and would have to pay out of pocket and potentially get reimbursed. At this point I didn’t care and said “No problem! I don’t want to miss a cycle because of that.” She called it in to a local pharmacy and told me she was working all weekend so to keep her apprised of my bodily functions.

I was so excited all Friday night that we were going to get our meds on Saturday. We had planned to take G to a local fair and were trying to figure out how we would swing both plus G’s nap and came up with a good plan. As the afternoon and evening progressed though, my spotting went from only there when I did a cervical check to nothing. I was really disappointed and just prayed it would start over the weekend some time. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed that night excited to move on and see what this next chapter has in store for us.

At 5:30 Saturday morning I woke up from the most amazing dream. I was pregnant and so incredibly happy. I laid in bed letting myself wake up a little before my mind started churning; “My spotting stopped. I just had this amazing pregnancy dream. Could it be possible? No way. I probably should check though… I am about to drop $4,000 on medication that I can’t return.” I knew I didn’t have any FRER’s but I had two wondfo’s leftover. I really didn’t think much of it but I peed in a cup, dipped my stick and got back into bed. An hour later, at 6:30am, I got up to get the dogs fed/out before G gets up at 7 and looked at the test. I was already walking to the garbage can to throw it out when I saw a hint of a line. What. The. Fuck. I immediately tossed it and told myself it was an evap line after sitting for an hour.

I took care of the dogs all while my mind is racing. I went back upstairs and woke E up, told him what I saw, and asked him what I should do. He thought I was absolutely crazy but I couldn’t let go of the fact that my spotting was still completely MIA and the dream I had. I decided to use another wondfo and look after the allotted time. There was a faint line right at the 5 minute mark. Now I started to panic. I told him to get G up at 7 and I was going to run to the grocery store to get some FRER’s. I came home, ran upstairs, dipped both a regular FRER and a digital. The second line on the FRER came up almost immediately and kept getting darker. It was a solid line, no squinter there. After an additional 3 minutes the digital came up “+yes”. I stood in my bathroom staring at these tests and thought I was losing my mind. 7 years. We have tried to get pregnant naturally for 7 years and never even got a hint of a line once.

I brought them both downstairs, put them in front of E’s face, and he just shook his head and said “what the fuck.” I had to laugh because I had been saying that in my head for the last hour. I fired up my computer and emailed my nurse… sent her a picture of the tests, told her I was freaking out, and asked her if this was possibly from the last pregnancy. I didn’t think this was possible and was trying to figure out how I could be getting such a strong false positive. She responded almost immediately that since we tested my beta down to negative this would not be from the previous pregnancy. She advised to call the pharmacy, put my meds on hold, and start my progesterone/baby asprin again, and that I need to come into the office Monday morning for a beta to see what’s going on. She ended the email with “When I told you to keep me updated with your bodily functions this is the last thing I expected!” To which I replied; “Yea, you and me both!”

Since last time I was so obsessed with line progression I told myself I wasn’t going to test again. I was going to wait for the beta and go from there. However by 6pm I was still in shock and told E I had to go to the store to buy more tests. I needed another test from a different urine sample to let me know something wasn’t just weird with the morning’s sample. Sunday morning rolled around and I got the same result on a test from a different batch with a completely different urine sample.

My mind has just been running through the last couple weeks. Several good and bad things have happened:

Good:

  • I stopped all caffeine and alcohol 2 weeks ago
  • Completely changed my eating habits in the last 2 weeks and have lost 7 pounds
  • Increased my level of activity (just some additional walking)

Bad:

  • I have taken 4 hot baths in the last two weeks and when I say hot, I mean HOT
  • Every night since the D&C I have taken some sort of medication. In the last two weeks I have taken Unisom every night to help me sleep and 3 muscle relaxers.

I was preparing for IVF… I didn’t in my wildest dreams imagine something like this could happen. I am guessing at when the potential conception occurred (I say potential because I still feel like maybe there is another reason for me to be getting positive tests) and sick with worry at what I could have done based on the last two weeks if I really am pregnant again. I also have zero symptoms. I have had some slight cramping this past week which I attributed to my cycle getting ready to start and that’s it. Even before my BFP in July I had all sorts of symptoms. Now? Absolutely nothing which makes me skeptical and doubting that this could be real. Regardless, I have never wished a weekend to fly by like this one. Monday could not get here fast enough!

I woke up at 4am this morning with my bladder ready to burst. I did my thing, watched the second line begin to appear as the sample was moving across the viewing screen, and then got back into bed. The alarm was going to go off at 5:30 so there was no point in watching the test but it’s definitely the darkest yet and even looks a smidge darker than the control line. I took a heavy sigh of relief as I wanted a solid test going in to get this beta. I need some actual numbers to try and wrap my head around this.

My blood draw this morning was uneventful. Since it’s Columbus day there was no traffic and I got to the clinic 15 minutes early. L brought me back and I told her the whole story over the last couple days since she just got to hear my panic on Saturday morning. She even teared up a few times ❤ The wait for the results was hard. Denial, shock, and uneasiness were all mixed in with the tiny bit of hope and excitement I had.

When the phone rang I had a split second of not wanting to pick it up. I was so nervous. L was chipper as ever and said “guess what? you’re definitely pregnant! Your number is 331.” 331. It took a couple beats for me to let that sink in. 331. That’s the highest first beta I have ever had. Of course it’s all dependent on conception and I am either 14dpo or 23dpo. If I am 14dpo then this number is amazing. If I am 23dpo then it’s not so great. I go back on Wednesday to make sure things are doubling as they should. In the meantime I am to continue on my progesterone and baby asprin and they are calling in my lovenox to start tonight (reason being on that here)

I am in utter shock and I am not sure exactly when that is going to wear off.

 

20 thoughts on “The unexpected

  1. Wow that is amazing! Congrats!! You deserve to be happy. My fingers are crossed for you.

  2. That’s an amazing story! I hope your next beta is perfect!

  3. Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you and wishing you a healthy 9 months! I understand exactly how you felt having this happen. It’s one of those “It only happens to other people” stories… until it happens to you!

    Regarding the unisom, to put your mind at ease, I have taken it almost every single day of my pregnancy and took it with levi’s pregnancy too. It reallllly helps combat morning sickness and it’s category A. 🙂 it’s the active ingredient in diclegis. You may already know all this but I just wanted to reassure you on that. 🙂

  4. Oh my gosh!!! My fingers are so so crossed for you! Congratulations on what I’m sure is a very disorienting surprise 🤞🏾

  5. OMG Congrats girl!!!! Good luck on Wednesday… Hoping for my doctor appt to go as smooth as yours did 🙂

  6. Oh my &#*#! How amazing! Sending you calming, nurturing vibes. Just…wow!

  7. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!! So grateful and thankful you and also understand the tenuous hope. I would feel the exact same way. Hoping for amazing news this week!

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  11. Oh my gosh!!!! Congratulations! This is amazing news.

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