"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

The fear is real


Pregnancy after infertility is no joke. Pregnancy after infertility and a miscarriage is no joke. It’s a debilitating fear whether you’ve experienced a loss or not and this time is no different.

It’s only been 9 days since finding out I was pregnant after my miscarriage in August. Since then E and I have been riding this weird collar-coaster of being deliriously happy and bottom of the barrel terrified.

Yesterday that fear was kicked up a notch when I experienced some light pink spotting around 6pm. I saw it on the toilet paper and my heart sank. No. My vision went a little blurry and my heart was racing. This wasn’t happening. My previous two pregnancies I never experienced any sort of spotting so my mind obviously went right to the worst. Not to mention that my heart and brain are still dealing with our loss, which occurred less than 2 months ago, seeing any type of blood is just going to send me over the edge.

It was after hours and since it wasn’t bright red and wasn’t a lot I decided to wait until this morning to email my nurses. Going to bed last night and waking up this morning the spotting was gone so I was feeling a little better. I also took another test this morning and the test line was way darker than the control line, so I knew it wasn’t a chemical pregnancy situation. My nurses were very nice and told me that pink spotting is normal with implantation continuing to occur and that I don’t need to come in to get my levels checked again. Since I am only 5 weeks I don’t need a rhogam shot either so for me to just take it easy for the next few days, stay calm, and no heavy lifting.

The whole staying calm thing is way easier said than done. I have a mild panic attack every time I go to the bathroom now, which is often since I am drinking as much water as I can. 14 days till our ultrasound… can’t come soon enough.

3 thoughts on “The fear is real

  1. Fingers crossed for you. I know how scary this is and I’m sorry you’re having more anxiety to deal with now.

  2. Pingback: Waiting for something | "Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

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