"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

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First time puking

12 weeks 1 day – 195 days to go

** TMI gross post **

Let me preface this by I hate throwing up. I was extremely lucky with G’s pregnancy that I barely had any nausea let alone vomiting. With my second pregnancy, that ended in a MMC, I had increased nausea but nothing else. With this pregnancy the nausea has been between G’s and the second pregnancy. I loved how it has been there to reassure me most of the time but hasn’t really impacted how I eat and no vomiting… until yesterday.

I had an incident over the weekend where I hurt my hand and needed to go on antibiotics. They put me on Augmentin which is a little bit stronger and I had been taking it for a few days with no issues. Yesterday I woke up, took my morning meds including the augmentin, and went about getting G up and ready for school. As I was getting him dressed my stomach started to feel a little off so I decided to eat a banana thinking it just needed something so it wasn’t empty. This was a bad idea.

I get G loaded in the car, buckled in, sat down and my stomach just made a rolling feeling. Since I have never thrown up I really didn’t think anything of it other than I didn’t really feel well. As I am exiting my neighborhood, it starts to get worse so I popped a preggie pop in my mouth and turned on to this incredibly windy road with very few spots to pull over on. You know where this is going…

I am at the windiest part of this road and it just comes. There was no stopping or holding it off… I tried “catching it” with my bad hand and that just resulted in it spraying all over the windshield. So I just tried to improvise and catch it down my shirt while still driving down this windy road. All while G is in the back seat saying “what’s happening mommy?” “You ok mommy?” over and over again. It was practically a scene out of one of those comedic pregnancy movies.

I finally had the chance to pull over and didn’t really know what to do. I had to drop G off at school and it looked like most of it only got on my shirt and not my jacket so I decided to just strip my shirt off in the car as carefully as possible and zip my jacket up to drop him off. I cleaned the seatbelt and windshield with babywipes as best I could and then drove with the windows down to diminish the banana vomit smell. It was terrible… beyond terrible but I honestly just have to laugh about it now. Thank goodness E wasn’t in the car because I am sure it would have made him puke right along with me!!

I really think it was just because of the antibiotic. I was 12 weeks yesterday and thought that the nausea was lessening a bit but this sure threw me for a loop!!! Luckily this morning I was smarter and actually ate breakfast a bit before taking my meds and didn’t have any issues!

In other news, tomorrow is my first OB appointment and I am anxious to see baby again. I know it’s only been a week since my last scan but with being on the antibiotic and having to take some medication that I would have preferred not to, I just want to make sure everything is still ok. I will be doing the whole thing… NT scan, pelvic exam, breast exam, std testing, slew of blood work, and everything else that goes with a first OB appointment. I am sure my weight will be a topic of concern but I have lost 13 pounds since getting pregnant so there’s that. I’m nervous, like always, but ready to get it over with!


“Graduation Day”

11 weeks 1 day – 202 Days to go

Today was our 11 week ultrasound. They never get less nerve wracking… I always walk in with a stomach full of butterflies and mind mixed with hope and doubt. Luckily I got to leave today feeling good. Today is a good day.

We had to go to the main RE’s office due to the holiday and it was crowded as usual. It still amazes me just how many people have trouble having children, it is always packed. They took us back a little late but the ultrasound went well. I had a nice tech and she spent plenty of time looking around and showing us the baby. We saw him/her move, jump, and flip. Baby measured exactly 11w1d with a heartbeat of 173bpm.

After the ultrasound we simply discussed the fact that I am done with the RE and will now be under the care of my OB only. What a scary thought… to be treated like a “normal” pregnant person. My first OB appointment is next Thursday which will include the NT scan but after that I won’t get another ultrasound until the anatomy scan. That’s going to be a hard long wait!

I know things could still go downhill and because of that we take each week as a blessing but today was a good day. It is E’s birthday and if today didn’t go well, it would have tarnished his birthday forever. Luckily that didn’t happen and we have just one more thing to celebrate.

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… or at least the beginning of it. It feels impossible that it has only been 12 weeks since our D&C. Since we lost our baby girl. If she hadn’t left us, right now we would be excited that we just found out we were having a girl and half way through the pregnancy. I would either be feeling tiny flutters or waiting with anticipation as it would start any day now. We would probably have started clearing out the guest room to prepare for a nursery. We would have told G about the pregnancy and have been talking about it every day to prepare him to become a big brother. I think about her every day.

In the days following my D&C I felt empty. I cried all the time. It was even the first time G saw me cry and my heart broke even more when he asked me “are you crying mommy? Why are you sad?” Like his little mind couldn’t comprehend why his mommy was actually crying. Among all the sadness, I was also terrified of forgetting her. Like somehow the whole pregnancy didn’t exist and would fade into thin air. I know it was a silly fear but it was something that really bothered me. I wanted something to commemorate her. Something that I could keep forever. I thought about jewelry but knowing me it would end up sitting in my jewelry box. I thought about a tattoo but I don’t have any tattoos and it didn’t seem right.

I have been following this amazing artist on Facebook for a little over a year. She does heartbeat paintings and they are beautiful. E and I discussed and after some debate we agreed to reach out and see if she would even be able to do a painting for us since the only heartbeat reading we had of our little girl was very low (75bpm). She said it wasn’t an issue at all and so we placed our order.

It arrived last week and when I saw it there were no words. My girl was home. I felt a sense of peace come over me that even though I will never hold her in my arms or kiss her chubby cheeks, she will always be with me. Both in my heart and in my home. We decided that the only proper place would be above our bed. I think of her as our guardian angel and the one who sent our miracle to us, it is only right that her beautiful heartbeat watch over us while we sleep.


It’s felt like forever since we lost her and yet just yesterday. I don’t know when I will have full closure over losing a baby but I am moving in the right direction.


9 weeks 3 days

9 weeks 3 days – 214 days to go

Today was my 9 week ultrasound and when I got to the clinic I realized the ultrasound tech that was there was my least favorite but was bound and determined to smother her with sweetness so her bitterness didn’t rub off on me. She just has an overall sour demeanor.

It was business as usual and I got up on the table and explained the scare I had this past Saturday. She was nice and immediately said well baby is still here with a heartbeat and turned the screen towards me. I could see the growth immediately and was so relieved. Baby measured 9w1d but was curled up and against the wall so it wasn’t easy to get the measurements. They were completely fine with it though. His/her heart beat was nice and strong at 186bpm and the ultrasound tech said she was guessing girl.

She checked again for any source of bleeding and couldn’t find one but did say I had some fluid on my cervix so if I see any spotting in the next few days it should be brown and from that. So that’s a relief.

After the scan I got my picture and waited on my NP. She had nothing but good things to say which was nice. I go back on 11/22 for my 11 week scan and as long as everything looks good I will be released to my OB. What a scary thought… I am just so happy and relieved that things are still looking good.



Can’t this just go smoothly?

8 weeks 5 days – 219 days to go

Last night was scary. Ever since finding out I was pregnant it hasn’t felt real. Even after our viability scan I felt better and relieved but I have kept such a wall up around this pregnancy that I have almost tried to ignore it. This hasn’t been hard since I have had so few pregnancy symptoms and E and I haven’t talked much about it.

All that being said, I still check every single time I use the restroom to see if I am bleeding. I had a few instances of light pink spotting during week 5 but none since. However, yesterday at 4pm I went to the restroom and saw bright red blood. Queue utter panic. I tried to think rationally, drank some water, and rested on the couch. An hour and a half later I went to check and it was still bright red and much more than before. E and I quickly discussed and thought it was best if I went to the ER.

It was a fairly quick process… I got checked in, into a room, 6 vials of blood drawn, and an IV started (just in case) within an hour of arrival. The ER doc came in, got a run down of my history and told me that we would only be able to confirm based on an ultrasound. After about a 30 minute wait I was wheeled into the ultrasound room and was shaking from the nerves. They started with an abdominal ultrasound and all I could do was stare at the ceiling. I knew that the ultrasound tech wasn’t going to be allowed to tell me anything and I was just trying not to cry. I got lucky though… after a minute or so she looked at me and said “promise me you won’t say anything…” all I could do was shake my head yes and she turned the screen to me and said “you’re still pregnant and here is the heartbeat.”

The tears just started flowing. I couldn’t believe it. I was convinced that I’d lost it after seeing that blood. She switched over to a transvaginal ultrasound and took measurements of everything and then I was wheeled back to my room. After a bit of a wait the ER doc came back in to tell me that baby was measuring right on track at 8w4d with a heart rate of 178bpm and there were zero visual signs of why I was bleeding. She told me that since I hadn’t seen any clots and wasn’t have any cramping that it was all a good sign. She had called my RE’s office and the on-call doctor advised that I stop the lovenox and baby asprin as this could be the cause of the bleeding.

So that’s what I’ve done. I didn’t take my lovenox last night and didn’t take my baby asprin this morning which honestly makes me nervous but not as nervous as seeing additional bleeding. Throughout the night the bleeding went from bright red to brown and has been sparse today.

What a roller coaster… Right now I am still pregnant and I am so grateful for that.