… or at least the beginning of it. It feels impossible that it has only been 12 weeks since our D&C. Since we lost our baby girl. If she hadn’t left us, right now we would be excited that we just found out we were having a girl and half way through the pregnancy. I would either be feeling tiny flutters or waiting with anticipation as it would start any day now. We would probably have started clearing out the guest room to prepare for a nursery. We would have told G about the pregnancy and have been talking about it every day to prepare him to become a big brother. I think about her every day.
In the days following my D&C I felt empty. I cried all the time. It was even the first time G saw me cry and my heart broke even more when he asked me “are you crying mommy? Why are you sad?” Like his little mind couldn’t comprehend why his mommy was actually crying. Among all the sadness, I was also terrified of forgetting her. Like somehow the whole pregnancy didn’t exist and would fade into thin air. I know it was a silly fear but it was something that really bothered me. I wanted something to commemorate her. Something that I could keep forever. I thought about jewelry but knowing me it would end up sitting in my jewelry box. I thought about a tattoo but I don’t have any tattoos and it didn’t seem right.
I have been following this amazing artist on Facebook for a little over a year. She does heartbeat paintings and they are beautiful. E and I discussed and after some debate we agreed to reach out and see if she would even be able to do a painting for us since the only heartbeat reading we had of our little girl was very low (75bpm). She said it wasn’t an issue at all and so we placed our order.
It arrived last week and when I saw it there were no words. My girl was home. I felt a sense of peace come over me that even though I will never hold her in my arms or kiss her chubby cheeks, she will always be with me. Both in my heart and in my home. We decided that the only proper place would be above our bed. I think of her as our guardian angel and the one who sent our miracle to us, it is only right that her beautiful heartbeat watch over us while we sleep.
It’s felt like forever since we lost her and yet just yesterday. I don’t know when I will have full closure over losing a baby but I am moving in the right direction.