"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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Anatomy Scan

20 weeks – 140 days to go

I honestly can’t believe I am at the half way point today. Seems incredibly surreal.

Since the crazy kidney stone debacle a week and a half ago, that excruciating pain has luckily not come back. I went to the urologist and he isn’t actually convinced it’s kidney stones. He told me it could be or it could be the position of the baby that is causing fluid to back up into my kidneys which would give me all the indications of kidney stones but not actually have them. Apparently that’s a thing. They can’t tell without a CT which isn’t really advised while pregnant so unless the pain comes back it’s a wait and see game. Regardless I am just happy the pain hasn’t returned.

Yesterday we had our anatomy scan and it went really well. Baby boy was sleeping facing down but we got all the proper views with the exception of his heart outflow, so we need another scan in 4 weeks to just make sure it looks good. We weren’t really able to get many good pictures since he was face down which was a bummer but I love seeing him on the screen. He’s weighing in at 11 ounces and had a heart rate of 147bpm.

The doctor portion of the visit was extremely fast and uneventful. My next visit I have to do the gestational diabetes test (yuck) but hopefully I pass. With G I failed the one hour but passed the 3 hour so we shall see.

In terms of my health, I’m doing well. I am down another pound (which they are perfectly fine with), my BP was 106/68 and zero flags from my urine sample. Couldn’t ask for anything better. I gain 11 pounds with G’s pregnancy and I am hoping that I can do something similar this time around as well.

Oh, I am also starting to feeling him a little easier and more consistently now. Usually I feel him at least once a day but some days I am lucky and feel him a few times a day. My placenta has moved and is now lateral fundal meaning that it’s towards the top and on the right side which explains why I am feeling him better now. I love every second of it.

Nothing much else to report which I am truly happy about!


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Tough week…

18 weeks 5 days – 149 days to go

Or maybe it’s been weeks. At this point I am not sure I can recall everything accurately. It’s been tough both mentally and physically but the two aren’t really connected.

Mentally I have been struggling because I am almost 19 weeks pregnant and I still have barely felt baby boy move. I felt him a few times during week 16 (although I question myself if that was really him but I swear it was) and maybe twice since then. I know at my 12 week ultrasound I had an anterior placenta but I was hoping it would move some… with G I had a mostly anterior placenta but was feeling him at 18 weeks so I am just frustrated. I see all these people loving feeling their baby move and I still am in a state of “is this still real? I feel nothing.” I know this is a result of my years of infertility and my last loss but it’s really bothering me. I have had trouble accepting that this pregnancy has been real from the beginning just by how he was conceived and the fact that it seems everyone else is feeling all sorts of movement and I’m not is just adding to my paranoia. It has been a struggle to stay positive.

Physically, well that shit is insane. On January 4th I woke up with an incredible sense of urgency to use the restroom which continued with no relief for several days. A couple of my mom friends said it was probably the position of the baby since I had no other symptoms but that just didn’t feel right. After almost a week I figured it was a UTI, got in with my OB, who did a urine culture. That came back negative but my sense of urgency was only getting worse. I wouldn’t even get relief when I DID finally get a few drops out. When my OB called to tell me the culture was negative I asked for suggestions on next steps to which they almost had none. They acted like this was no big deal… I was less than thrilled. That night I woke up with excruciating back pain on my right side. I was getting ready to go to the ER when the pain slowly subsided and went away after two hours. I called my OB the next morning who told me to go to urgent care (and they gave me a specific one) because they would have the ultrasound to see if I had kidney stones. I wanted answers so I drove out there… sat in a room full of people who may have had the flu for an hour and 15 minutes for them to take me back and tell me they in fact do NOT have an ultrasound machine to tell me if I have kidney stones and told me to go to the ER.

Well I wasn’t about to go to the ER when I wasn’t in pain and sit with even more people who have the flu so I went home. Not 3 hours later the pain came screaming back. To the point where as soon as it hit I told E I was going to the ER. Since G was already in bed I decided to move quick and just drive myself there. The pain was getting worse by the minute but I made it and let me tell you, Friday night during flu season at the ER is INSANE. The place was packed. I asked if I could go to L&D to which they said no since L&D is only for people over 20 weeks pregnant. I was so frustrated and in so much pain.

The next couple hours were a bit of a blur. I remember having such a sense of urgency to pee and the bathrooms being so disgusting that I actually peed myself before I made it to a clean stall. I remember being triage’d and being in so much agony that they bumped me up on the severity list. I remember going back into the lobby, wearing my mask to somewhat help protect me from the germs, that I almost passed out from the pain and hyperventilating. I remember being put in a small room where I screamed from the pain that was now making my entire uterus cramp and feel like a rock with no relief. I remember thinking I was in preterm labor and that this baby wasn’t going to make it. I remember vomiting from the sheer amount of pain I was in. So. Much. Pain.

The doctor came in and I begged that he check the baby. He told me that he couldn’t examine me until they got my pain under control. They gave me two doses of Fentanyl which did nothing. I got the ultrasound and they did confirm kidney stones. They gave me two doses of percocet which finally took the edge off. The doctor came back in around 1am and told me that there was nothing more they could do other than send me home with pain meds and some antibiotics and to follow up with a urologist on Monday (today). I asked again if we could check the baby since my stomach was still rock hard and cramping and he told me they don’t do ultrasounds when there is a diagnosis associated with kidney stones unless I am over 20 weeks and that they don’t have fetal dopplers in the ER. I was so upset and call BS but he stayed firm. There was nothing I could do.

With so much pain meds in my system and still being in intense pain I couldn’t drive. We got very lucky that one of our good friends in the neighborhood was still awake and she came to sit at the house while E uber’d to the hospital to pick me up and drive me home. He then was the most amazing husband and went to a 24 hour pharmacy at 2:30 in the morning to get all my meds. While he was doing that I took a shower to rinse off the pee and grossness from the hospital, hoping the hot water would help the pain. Nothing did. The pain was unrelenting and I honestly thought I would have preferred to die. I tried to lay in bed and no position would allow me relief. I decided to let E get some sleep since he had to work the next day and I went downstairs to wallow alone. I threw up an additional 5 times from the pain. Then, randomly at around 8:30am, the intense pain stopped. The stone must have moved because it was just gone. My sense of urgency let up tremendously as well. I have the best friends in the world who came to pick G up for a play date while E was at work so I could actually get some sleep. It was a rough Friday and Saturday.

I made it through the weekend without the pain returning and just being sore. I got in with a urologist tomorrow morning to figure out what can be done while pregnant and we will go from there. I will say though that the doppler has been the greatest purchase I think I have ever made. I have been checking him every morning to make sure he is still ok and I can find him within a minute each time. My anatomy scan isn’t until next Tuesday and it’s going to be a long 8 days as I want to just make sure he is doing ok.

It’s been draining and I am ready for some relief.