"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


Perinatologist Appointment

31 weeks 6 days – 57 days to go

Last week I mentioned that my OB heard something with baby’s heart and wanted me to see a specialist for a closer look. Today was that appointment.

We luckily got some good news. Baby does in fact have a premature heartbeat but the heart structure and rhythm are normal. The doctor said that in most cases it will correct on its own. Only 5% of the time does it turn into an issue where the baby’s heart rate stays accelerated and then it needs to be addressed. They do want it monitored so I will be doing weekly appointments from now until the end of the pregnancy.

They did a good job at reassuring me that everything should work itself out and that they will be closely listening for any changes.

I can’t believe I am at weekly appointments now. So crazy…


31 weeks

31 weeks 0 days – 63 days to go

You know how I keep saying I am waiting for the other shoe to drop with this pregnancy? Well it may have today.

I had my regular OB appointment scheduled today; I gained a few more lbs but BP was still normal so I felt pretty good when the midwife came in. She asked how I was doing and then went to listen to baby. I could tell it didn’t sound like it normally does… almost kloppy, like a horse who’s step was off. I listened and thought it was strange but didn’t get concerned until she kept the doppler on him and kept listening. After what felt like a lifetime she said she hears something but isn’t sure exactly what and asked if I would mind if she went to get one of the OB’s to listen. Queue the panic.

The OB came in and listened and he agreed that there was something there. It sounds like his heart keeps skipping a beat. They said it could be normal as that happens with people all the time but they want it checked out by a perinatologist just to be certain.

That appointment isn’t until Tuesday at 10… which feels like forever away.

This has been a terrible week and this was the absolute last thing I needed. I pray everything is ok and we can just move past this with no issues.


Dear Little Girl

Dear sweet girl,

Tomorrow is your due date. It’s been 231 days since we got the news that your little heart rate was too low, 225 days since we learned your precious heart stopped beating, and 224 days since you were physically taken from my body.

I think about how different my life would be right now had everything turned out ok… I would have a fully decorated girl nursery waiting for you, a whole new set of adorable girl clothes, bows, headbands… the list is somewhat un-imagineable. Instead, I am preparing your older brother for the arrival of your younger brother. I have a boy nursery started and all of G’s old clothes filling the dresser. I don’t need anything girly.

You would either already be here in my arms or I would be awaiting your arrival with bated breath. I wish so badly that you were here but I also can’t picture it. I can absolutely picture what you would have looked like but I can’t physically picture you in my arms. Does that mean that you were never truly meant to be here with me on earth? I have no idea. I look at your beautiful heartbeat that is hanging above our bed each morning and night and think about you. Some days I wonder what could have been but each night I thank you for sending us the miracle of your younger brother who is kicking me from the inside as I type this. I truly believe that you were the one who sent him to us. For that, I will be forever grateful.

So, my sweet girl. I hope you know just how much I love you. You gave us hope. You gave us love. You gave us the gift of completing our family and know that you will always be my one and only daughter.

I love you


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3 and a half years old


Three and a half. Wow. Every day you are more a kid and less a baby. I try and find the little things that still make you baby-ish; your giggle, the way you still need my help on certain things, how you stretch on the odd morning that I actually get to wake you up, or your little hands that will gently caress my face when you’re being sweet. Then I marvel at all the things that make you so grown up already; you get yourself dressed most mornings, put your shoes on, play independently, put your dishes in the sink, go potty by yourself, tell me I’m pretty when I put make up on or that you love my nails when they are painted, or simply talk my ear off with your exquisite imagination. It’s such a different world these days and I love it all.

With getting older comes the tantrums… you’re learning that throwing a fit will not get you what you want. That doesn’t stop you from trying though and you are still just as strong willed now as you were when you were a baby only now you are able to use your words to help your persuasion. It’s adorable and frustrating all at the same time. We hold strong though and I hope it’s sinking in. All we can do is hope that we are teaching you the lessons you need in life to become a productive member of society and not one of these spoiled entitled brats in today’s world.

You’re thriving at school and we practically never have an issue at drop off anymore. I’ve had one parent-teacher conference and you’re doing well. We still have issues with colors but you’re recognizing shapes and counting well. Recognizing numbers and letters are also a work in progress but you know your birthday and your full name. You’re also learning mommy and daddy’s name which I can only imagine is confusing. I registered you for Pre-K this fall and I just can’t believe it. Before I know it, you’ll be off to college.

Your world is about to be upturned yet again in about 2 months. You’re going to be a big brother! Telling you I was having a baby was fun. The first couple months we kept it low key and tried to explain to you what was going on. You didn’t really understand and kept telling us you had a baby in your tummy too. It was so adorable; you’d lift up your shirt and ask me to feel your baby kick. I believe that you are now understanding a bit more… we’ve got the nursery almost all set up, got the new stroller, and have a few baby items coming in. When we tell you something is for the new baby you tell me that he isn’t here yet and he’ll come out soon. I can’t wait to see you with your new little brother. The adventures are only going to grow from here.

You also started your first team sport this spring! We gave you the option of soccer or baseball and you chose soccer. The first day was a little rough… we tried hyping you up and you seemed genuinely excited but once we got there it was a different story. You still get overwhelmed very easily and I think it was just too much to take in at first. The screaming and crying was a lot but you eventually did get out there with daddy and really enjoyed it! The second practice was much better and you only got nervous when the coach talked with you directly. It’s a very short “season” so we only have a few more practices but I think it’s just going to take time for you to mature and grow in order to adapt to new things with fewer issues. Maybe this fall or next spring we can try baseball.

I can’t believe the next letter I will be writing you is when you’re 4 years old. Seems almost impossible!! I love you so much and am so proud of the little boy you are becoming. The possibilities in front of you are endless and I hope you continue to grow and seize as many as you want.