"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


He’s here!

Written on 6/21/2018:

He’s here!!!! What a crazy 8 days it has been and I can’t believe I already have a 1 week old. It all started on Tuesday 6/12/18 when I went for my 40 week appointment (I was 39w6d). They did an ultrasound and made sure he was head down and estimated him to be about 8 pounds 6 ounces which was right on par with G who was 8 pounds 8 ounces. The doctor said everything looked good, I was measuring 41 weeks but baby sounded and looked great. She did a cervical check and I was a “tight 3” and baby was still high but she was able to do a sweep and sent me on my way.

That afternoon and evening I had on and off contractions but nothing too painful. More uncomfortable than anything else. We went to bed and I started having contractions a little more frequently but I was able to doze on and off from 9-10pm. At 10:22pm I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, stood up out of bed, and my water broke. Just like G, it was definitely not a trickle, and while I made it to the tile, I didn’t make it to the toilet. Oops! Thank goodness for towels.

Luckily my mom was already on her way over “just in case” and she was pulling into my neighborhood when my water broke. I jumped in the shower, called the hospital, and finished putting the last few things in my hospital bag. By the time we left my contractions were a minute and 40 seconds to 3 minutes apart and they hurt like a mother. We made it to the hospital, got a bed in triage by 11:40pm, was 3-4cm dilated, and baby was at -2 station.

Luckily it was a slow night and I got a room immediately which meant that I got my epidural immediately and that was in by 12:40. The epidural was definitely not as smooth as the first time and he had to stick me twice to get it in. After that he gave me an extra dose because he said I was tall and that’s how it works. Well it was too much. As soon as the anesthesiologist left I told my nurse I felt like I was going to be sick. Evan said I turned stark white and my pulse when down to 50. Luckily my nurse turned me quickly and I instantly felt better and my pulse increased.

Things were all good and at 1am they checked me again and I was 5-6cm but baby was still high. At 4:40am I was 7-8cm and baby was STILL incredibly high so they decided to give just a small dose of Pitocin to see if we could speed some things along. After that he started having some decreased activity and they got a little concerned. They stopped the Pitocin, flipped me, gave me oxygen, and started another bag of fluids which seemed to correct the problem. At 6:35am I was 9.5cm, 100% effacted and 0 station. My midwife thought it would just be another hour or so and baby would be here… well at 8:30am there was NO CHANGE. At this point there was a shift change and I had a new midwife that I hadn’t met before. After 2 hours and no change there was obviously some cause for concern.

She determined that baby was laying on his side which is why I hadn’t progressed and why he was still so high. We decided that starting Pitocin again to try and get some strong contractions in order for him to turn was the best bet. If that didn’t work we would need to discuss the possibility of a c-section. At this point my epidural was doing very little and even the pain button was doing nothing. Luckily, at 9:20am I had an uncontrollable urge to push. Baby was only at +1 station but my nurse told me if I had to push that I could. Holy hell. I really got away lucky with G where I didn’t have to try at all… this time, not so much. I guess I did pretty good though because by 9:45am the midwife was called since baby was ready to be born.

It got intense after that. The midwife assisted in getting baby’s head out with massage and manual manipulation but it wasn’t an “exciting” moment. There was no “oh he’s got so much hair!” The midwife immediately told me that I have to push and I have to push hard. My eyes stayed closed but Evan said that she was literally taking his neck and prying him out. His shoulders were stuck and it was a scary few moments, however at 9:55am on June 13th baby L came into the world. They had called in the respiratory and NICU team as a precaution which I didn’t even know until I opened my eyes and saw about 15 people in my room. I was supposed to get immediate skin to skin and I did, long enough for Evan to cut the cord, and then they moved him to the warmer because they needed to assess him closely. We got really lucky and he seemed completely fine. They did some extra suctioning and after a few minutes, the two additional teams left and I got to hold my son. He was 8 pounds 12 ounces, 22 inches long, of pure perfection.

He did have some bruising on his right arm and back from the birth but overall there were no issues and I was able to leave the very next day. Being home has been great and while we are struggling with breastfeeding and supply issues, we’re working on it. I can’t believe this part of the journey is over… a whole new adventure has begun!



Dear baby boy,

39 weeks 3 days – 4 days to go

Dear L,

As I approach your estimated arrival date I am filled with all sorts of emotions. Knowing I only have a few days left for us to be connected as one fills my mind the most. I am not ready to share you with people. I wish it could be just our family of four for a while before having to hand you off to so many different people. Oh your kicks, I will miss those so much! Even though you are seriously strong and it’s sometimes uncomfortable I absolutely LOVE you moving around in there. Having your dad lay next to me at night and marvel at your movements is pretty special too. Knowing you will be the last baby that we get to have makes me cherish every second of your pregnancy. You truly are our miracle.

I have doubts of being a mom of 2. I worry about the age difference between you and your brother… to be honest, I worry about almost everything. Through it all though, I am so ready for you to be in my arms.

I think about what you’re going to look like (probably just like your brother, who is the spitting image of your father), what kind of baby you’re going to be like, and how I know my love for you is only going to grow every day. The days of it just being me and you are numbered, kid. Soon I will get to learn all these things first hand.

There are just a few things I want you to know… 1) Always be yourself. Don’t think just because your brother or your friends are doing something, you have to do it to. Do what makes YOU happy. Always. 2) Remember that your dad and I will ALWAYS be here for you. I don’t care what you do, we will always stick by your side. 3) Stay strong. The world we live in today can be a harsh place. Know that you have the strength in you to weather any storm that comes your way. 4) Last but not least, know just how much I love you. There aren’t really words to describe the love I have for you but nothing in this world can change it.

I hope to be holding you soon my sweet boy. I love you so much.