"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


11DPIUI and no urge to test

It’s pretty amazing what a good distraction will do to the obsessive two week wait. Yes, I still think about it a lot during the day and still wish that I am pregnant but I have no desire to test which is an odd feeling. 

I have been so caught up in the rescue we started working with that I have been able to channel my energy into something other than obsessed with symptoms. 

I, however, have noticed some thing… because I mean really, I am an infertile. My boobs feel heavier and may be a little bigger. I have a constant VERY mild nausea and I am quite tired. Oh and the hunger is still there. If there is food, I will eat it. 

We got our new foster tonight and he is the biggest ball of sweetness I can barely stand it. I love him already. He needs a lot of work but we’re ready to do it!!


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7DPIUI today and still feel pretty normal. The hunger has subsided some which is a good thing because I was literally eating everything in sight. My boobs are slightly tender and I had a really sharp pain on the right side of my uterus for about 10 second saturday morning. I had a split second of ‘IMPLANTATION!’ followed by ‘yea right, don’t be a fucking idiot, it’s way too early’. I took a test today (like I do every cycle at 7DPIUI) and confirmed the trigger is no longer in my system so that’s good news. Just 7 more days till I can test for real!

The adoption yesterday went really well with our first foster dog. I only teared up once but was smiling the whole way through it. He’s going to have a great new life 🙂 and we already got word that our new great dane foster will be delivered to us on Friday! So I have a couple days to get ready for a new furbaby to come into the house. He will be with us for a couple months while we get him healthy and then put him up for adoption 🙂

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Going through “an adoption” during the TWW

I posted before about getting a foster pup for a few days (https://ambivalentjourney.wordpress.com/2013/12/03/i-am-becoming-a-new-mom-for-like-two-weeks/) . Well it has been going great for the most part and tomorrow is the day he meets his new family. Today is 4DPIUI and if all goes well tomorrow he will be leaving us on Sunday, 6DPIUI. 

Let me tell you, the progesterone supplements have made me crazier than usual already (and are so totally disgusting). I am crying at everything, hungry ALL. FUCKING. DAY, and moody as all get out. One minute I am so irritated at the new dog and the next I can’t imagining letting him go to a new home. His new family is so happy and excited. They deserve him and will give him an amazing life but letting go of one of my “babies”, even if we have only had him over a week, is going to be really hard. Add in all the additional hormones I have going on and forget it.

Every night I have been talking to the little egg and praying that he/she decides to be the one and make me his/her home for the next nine months. I envision it. I walk through the steps, visualize, pray, hope, beg that this will work. 

10 days till testing! (and I am going to try really hard not to test early again this time… 😉 )

Oh and I will shamelessly plug the rescue I am associated with. If you want to donate to our three medical fund furbabies or want to adopt… we would be so greatful! It looks like I will be having Amos (first listed on the medical fund page) as our new foster baby and come to stay with us for a little while until we can get him healthy and adopted. We hope to get him sometime next week or the week after. http://greatdanefriends.com/


Are we crazy?

We lost our Petey boy almost two months ago now. We miss a large dog in the house and with our last failed IUI and now the uncertainty of us moving forward with this one we are both in a funk and have been talking more and more about getting another big dog. Did I mention we have three smaller dogs already? Oh and did I also mention that we are talking about a Great Dane? There are so many questions I have to ask myself…

What if I do get pregnant soon? The puppy would only be about a year old when the baby came…

What if I have a hard pregnancy?

Do I really want that to be a 160lb dog?

Do I want to spend 5 times as much money on EVERYTHING for a dog that big just because of his size while I am spending a shit ton of money to try to get pregnant? Then.. a dog that big and a child??

What I do know is that right now I feel like I want him. I feel less safe being home all day without a big dog in the house and would like that security again. I miss having a big dog in the house (although that is a REALLY big dog) and I would love to focus my energy on something other than the fact that I am childless. He would also hold me accountable for several walks a day and I have been so down lately that I am lucky if I get one walk in per day. The little ones are so old or fragile that they can barely make it around the block once.

E and I are going to talk again about it. Probably every day until we go see the puppy (this weekend). We could wait until this cycle is over to decide but I think that we would be in the same boat of utter uncertainty. We could be doing treatments for months/years… I wish we could know. Say that in 4 months we would be get a BFP and treatments were be over. If I *knew* that, I would be thinking differently but since we don’t it makes it more difficult.

Believe me, I wish this wasn’t even on my mind. I wish I was thinking about nursery’s and baby names and just content with my three little ones. Instead, all I think about is pills, my next ultrasound, the next round of bloodwork and the anxiety over the phone call from the doctor. Every week each one of my arms are sore for at least 2 days from the needles that get shoved into them. All I have to look forward to is more anxiety.

I can’t wait to go home for the Thanksgiving and Hanukkah and get away from it all. To see family. To spend time with friends and their children. To try and forget. However, I know that wont happen because my mom will talk about it all the time. I will see pregnant women. I will see babies and adorable children doing fall things and having a blast with their parents. It’s unavoidable and yet it is still really hard for me. If I had a puppy I could enjoy all those things, because I want to be home and enjoy my family and friends, and still have a “baby” to keep me focused. I could come back home and not feel like an empty shell of a person because I spent all this time with all these amazing families and it just be the two of us again.

It wouldn’t change the fact that I don’t have a baby but I could focus on something other than infertility. It’s just that puppy turns into a very large dog…

Oh yea, and here he is… How freaking adorable is he?!