"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

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The day before

It’s the day before my “big” appointment and my feelings towards it have not changed. I still don’t feel anything but it being an obligation to go at this point. I am getting ready to go to a family member’s 1 year old birthday party so I know the question of when we are going to have another is going to come up.

I wish I had the gall to tell people that ask that question to fuck off or respond with some snarky sarcastic response but unfortunately that is just not me, especially with family.

I should have been spending the last few weeks really kicking my ass in gear and eating healthy and drinking tons of water when in reality I have been eating like shit and definitely not drinking enough. The only thing IF related I have been doing is taking my prenatal and that’s not saying much.

I hope tomorrow I wake up with renewed strength and hope for this next step. It’s a BIG step and one I should be eager to start. I should feel passionate and hopeful… anything other than what I am feeling right now. And feeling like this towards it just makes me feel like even more shit. I just don’t understand… may some sort of PTSD?

I think the “big” break between when we stopped IUI’s to meeting this new doctor really screwed with me. It was only 3 months but it felt like a lifetime and I think I just feel like we had so much wasted time. All that time being completely stagnant was a complete mind-fuck.

My goal is to go into the appointment armed with my, 5 year and counting, infertility notebook and an open mind. I want to be able to take all the new dr’s perspective in and hopefully leave with a renewed sense of self and happy that we are finally at “the next step”

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One Week

One week from right now I will know about where my infertility journey is heading. One week from this second I will probably be google searching the 100 million new questions I will have after meeting my new RE to discuss moving onto IVF.

I’ve done all the prelim work… filled out about 20 documents on E and I, had my previous RE send over the past 5 years worth of medical documentation, updated my personal IF notebook with all relevant information, and have a running list of questions to ask this new doctor.

I am physically going through the motions but I am just not there yet emotionally. I feel defeated, like infertility as a whole has caused me to just deflate. I’ve been questioning whether I want to go through with it or not. We have one beautiful child who is a serious handful, E works an insane amount of hours, and I will be doing so much of it alone. We both so desperately want another baby but the thought of going through IVF with only a 40% change of success is daunting. How much money are we going to throw at a 40% chance? How much time? How much physical, emotional, and mental energy?

The questions I have are endless… how am I going to do all of this and keep my job which is fairly demanding? We are in a bigger city now and the offices are further from our house… how are we going to logistically handle getting all the tests and procedures done while making sure G is taken care of? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what is going to happen or how it’s going to happen. All I do know is that I need to try and just take things one at a time.

The first step is just going to this appointment. I unfortunately am on CD1 today so depending on the testing she wants to do I may be delayed an entire extra month but nothing I can do about that. The appointment should last about an hour and a half and is pretty basic… vitals, meeting with the dr to discuss medical history and family medical history, full physical exam, and then ordering what sort of tests she wants done. After that… who knows?

All I can hope for is that I can get back into this. I am not so sure I am prepared to become the obsessed person I was while going through treatments last time but I think I would mentally feel better about that than this feeling of defeat before the process has already begun.




Anxious and excited

18 weeks 4 days. 150 days to go.

Only two days until our next ultrasound. Thursday at 1:30pm we should be seeing our little blob again. I have been counting down the years, months, weeks, days, hours for this day. To see our baby looking like a real baby. To be able to refer to him/her as him or her. So why am I so incredibly nervous and anxious about the appointment?

13 days ago I had an appointment and we heard a beautiful heartbeat. They found it right away and it was steady and strong. It echoed in the room loud and dominate like he/she was making their presence known. It was awesome. I wish I had recorded it just to listen to it every day. 

That was only 13 days ago. 13 days ago I was reassured that everything was going ok. I don’t like that I feel so unsure about how he/she is doing. I still *think* I am feeling movements but can’t be sure and it’s driving me crazy. I want some daily reassurances that he/she is still thriving. I know I am being impatient and my mother keeps telling me that I ‘really need to relax because you’re causing yourself unnecessary stress” which is probably true but I can’t help it. I so wish I could. Only two days. I can make it two more days.

Setting aside the anxious, nervous piece I truly am excited about this appointment. E and I are both taking a half day off of work to go to lunch together before the appointment and then to, hopefully, register afterwards. We are finding out what we are having as long as the little one cooperates. This is how I want the appointment to go: See the rapid movement of a strong heartbeat, see the little one move and hear that he/she looks perfect and then finally have this little bean go all spread eagle 😉 In a perfect world this will be the case. 

Most days I wish I could have a permanent ultrasound attached to me so I could keep an eye on everything. I haven’t seen this bean in 5 weeks and I am not sure how I am going to handle fewer ultrasounds. Does every pregnant woman go through this constant anxiety or does the infertile mind make this journey so much harder? When I was going through all the treatments all I could think about was how fucking happy I would be to be pregnant. I never thought that going through the three years of failed cycles would impact a pregnancy so much. That there would be days of debilitating fear, complete panic attacks or an oddly weird depression.

Most of the time I am overjoyed. So incredibly thankful that this has finally happened to us. To see my husband light up every time he touches my belly or talks about doing something for the baby makes me want to cry with happiness. We are finally getting to experience this miracle and I shouldn’t be looking over my shoulder for something bad to happen. I can’t change anything. I need to embrace this. To cherish every second. 

Two days. I can make it two more day.


Ready for the dreams to stop

I am tired. I may go as far as to say I am exhausted. I think I am catching E’s cold, so that may add to me feeling so run down but my main complaint is these damn dreams. Almost every night I have at least one dream of me losing the pregnancy. Last night was like a horror show… blood everywhere. Me screaming for E. Not being able to tell him what was going on because I was just so upset and he couldn’t understand where all the blood was coming from. It was horrible.

Each time I have one of these dreams I wake up so startled and either a) run to the bathroom to make sure everything is still ok or b) lay there and cry because it felt so real that sometimes I actually think it happened and I was reliving a memory instead of it being a dream. Needless to say, sleep is no where on my mind after that. I find that if I take one tylenol PM the dreams aren’t as bad and I can get a little more sleep but I don’t want to take it every night. 

I understand that dreams are a way of your brain working out your worries, concerns, things you experienced throughout your life and whatnot but I really hope that after I am safely out of the first trimester these types of dreams will stop. I can’t imagine being plagued with this type of fear for the next 6.5 months.

Only 14 days until my 12week 3day ultrasound… here’s hoping it is here in no time!!


New year… no resolutions

My resolution every year is the same: lose weight. I did pretty good this year losing 30lbs (technically only 24 since Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas really fucked me up). This year, however, I can not have that resolution. I. Am. Pregnant.

I have taken approximately 7 tests in the last 9 days and they all come up positive. I am unable to rely on any true symptoms since I am only 5 weeks 2 days but every now and then I get something and feel a bit reassured. Then it goes away and I panic. I was talking to my mother yesterday about it and she had ZERO trouble conceiving so she doesn’t understand and it only frustrates me more when I try to explain it. 

Trying to explain that I don’t like talking about me being pregnant… not yet at least. Whether the fact that it was this phantom thing that I never thought was attainable and now I have it or I just don’t truly believe it, I don’t know but I don’t like talking out loud about it. It gives me more anxiety. 

Trying to explain how scary it is when a “symptom” totally disappears. Even though this is 1,000,000% normal. She tells me to ‘count my lucky stars’ that I feel fine. 

Trying to explain how I want to have the reassurance that something is actually happening. Rather than relying on two lines on a test. 

Trying to explain how I don’t feel like I hear other fertile’s feel when they find out they are pregnant. How every thought is surrounded by if this little bundle of cells is doubling appropriately. How every pain, stretch, gas bubble makes me think that this could be an ectopic pregnancy and it isn’t in my uterus. Or, if everything is going fine if maybe it is just a blighted ovum. 

Some of these fears will be put to bed in just 13 days (holy crap it’s taking forever), until then, it is a daily struggle. 

So, as I enter into 2014 I have hopes that this will be an amazing year where E and I’s dream actually does come true. No resolutions. No empty promises. Just the faith that this will be our year. 


So many BFP’s… could I be next?

I can’t believe how many of you wonderful women have announced your BFP’s over the last couple of weeks. It is truly amazing. I can only hope that tomorrow when I test I will be able to announce my BFP as well.

13DPIUI today and this is the first month that I have not been sneaky and tested early. Tomorrow morning is the day! I am getting quite nervous. The past two days my symptoms have increased a little but I still don’t know if it is all in my head. The only thing that is not in my head is the tons of watery CM. It looks like I peed my panties every time I go to the bathroom. Yes, ew, I know. That is not normal for me but I always thought that the CM associated with pregnancy was creamy so I don’t know what that’s about. My right boob is quite tender but my left one isnt and I am eating everything in sight… it’s crazy. I have been having some AF like cramps but no sign of AF yet (since I am taking progesterone, I am not surprised). I am really hoping that means good news but I am not getting my hopes up. January marks 3 years of TTC and there has been so much disappointment that it’s hard to keep up the positivity…

Any spare prayers/good thoughts you have, I would appreciate them. It would be so amazing to have my dreams come true tomorrow morning 🙂


11DPIUI and no urge to test

It’s pretty amazing what a good distraction will do to the obsessive two week wait. Yes, I still think about it a lot during the day and still wish that I am pregnant but I have no desire to test which is an odd feeling. 

I have been so caught up in the rescue we started working with that I have been able to channel my energy into something other than obsessed with symptoms. 

I, however, have noticed some thing… because I mean really, I am an infertile. My boobs feel heavier and may be a little bigger. I have a constant VERY mild nausea and I am quite tired. Oh and the hunger is still there. If there is food, I will eat it. 

We got our new foster tonight and he is the biggest ball of sweetness I can barely stand it. I love him already. He needs a lot of work but we’re ready to do it!!


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7DPIUI today and still feel pretty normal. The hunger has subsided some which is a good thing because I was literally eating everything in sight. My boobs are slightly tender and I had a really sharp pain on the right side of my uterus for about 10 second saturday morning. I had a split second of ‘IMPLANTATION!’ followed by ‘yea right, don’t be a fucking idiot, it’s way too early’. I took a test today (like I do every cycle at 7DPIUI) and confirmed the trigger is no longer in my system so that’s good news. Just 7 more days till I can test for real!

The adoption yesterday went really well with our first foster dog. I only teared up once but was smiling the whole way through it. He’s going to have a great new life 🙂 and we already got word that our new great dane foster will be delivered to us on Friday! So I have a couple days to get ready for a new furbaby to come into the house. He will be with us for a couple months while we get him healthy and then put him up for adoption 🙂

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Going through “an adoption” during the TWW

I posted before about getting a foster pup for a few days (https://ambivalentjourney.wordpress.com/2013/12/03/i-am-becoming-a-new-mom-for-like-two-weeks/) . Well it has been going great for the most part and tomorrow is the day he meets his new family. Today is 4DPIUI and if all goes well tomorrow he will be leaving us on Sunday, 6DPIUI. 

Let me tell you, the progesterone supplements have made me crazier than usual already (and are so totally disgusting). I am crying at everything, hungry ALL. FUCKING. DAY, and moody as all get out. One minute I am so irritated at the new dog and the next I can’t imagining letting him go to a new home. His new family is so happy and excited. They deserve him and will give him an amazing life but letting go of one of my “babies”, even if we have only had him over a week, is going to be really hard. Add in all the additional hormones I have going on and forget it.

Every night I have been talking to the little egg and praying that he/she decides to be the one and make me his/her home for the next nine months. I envision it. I walk through the steps, visualize, pray, hope, beg that this will work. 

10 days till testing! (and I am going to try really hard not to test early again this time… 😉 )

Oh and I will shamelessly plug the rescue I am associated with. If you want to donate to our three medical fund furbabies or want to adopt… we would be so greatful! It looks like I will be having Amos (first listed on the medical fund page) as our new foster baby and come to stay with us for a little while until we can get him healthy and adopted. We hope to get him sometime next week or the week after. http://greatdanefriends.com/