One week from right now I will know about where my infertility journey is heading. One week from this second I will probably be google searching the 100 million new questions I will have after meeting my new RE to discuss moving onto IVF.
I’ve done all the prelim work… filled out about 20 documents on E and I, had my previous RE send over the past 5 years worth of medical documentation, updated my personal IF notebook with all relevant information, and have a running list of questions to ask this new doctor.
I am physically going through the motions but I am just not there yet emotionally. I feel defeated, like infertility as a whole has caused me to just deflate. I’ve been questioning whether I want to go through with it or not. We have one beautiful child who is a serious handful, E works an insane amount of hours, and I will be doing so much of it alone. We both so desperately want another baby but the thought of going through IVF with only a 40% change of success is daunting. How much money are we going to throw at a 40% chance? How much time? How much physical, emotional, and mental energy?
The questions I have are endless… how am I going to do all of this and keep my job which is fairly demanding? We are in a bigger city now and the offices are further from our house… how are we going to logistically handle getting all the tests and procedures done while making sure G is taken care of? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what is going to happen or how it’s going to happen. All I do know is that I need to try and just take things one at a time.
The first step is just going to this appointment. I unfortunately am on CD1 today so depending on the testing she wants to do I may be delayed an entire extra month but nothing I can do about that. The appointment should last about an hour and a half and is pretty basic… vitals, meeting with the dr to discuss medical history and family medical history, full physical exam, and then ordering what sort of tests she wants done. After that… who knows?
All I can hope for is that I can get back into this. I am not so sure I am prepared to become the obsessed person I was while going through treatments last time but I think I would mentally feel better about that than this feeling of defeat before the process has already begun.