"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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One Week

One week from right now I will know about where my infertility journey is heading. One week from this second I will probably be google searching the 100 million new questions I will have after meeting my new RE to discuss moving onto IVF.

I’ve done all the prelim work… filled out about 20 documents on E and I, had my previous RE send over the past 5 years worth of medical documentation, updated my personal IF notebook with all relevant information, and have a running list of questions to ask this new doctor.

I am physically going through the motions but I am just not there yet emotionally. I feel defeated, like infertility as a whole has caused me to just deflate. I’ve been questioning whether I want to go through with it or not. We have one beautiful child who is a serious handful, E works an insane amount of hours, and I will be doing so much of it alone. We both so desperately want another baby but the thought of going through IVF with only a 40% change of success is daunting. How much money are we going to throw at a 40% chance? How much time? How much physical, emotional, and mental energy?

The questions I have are endless… how am I going to do all of this and keep my job which is fairly demanding? We are in a bigger city now and the offices are further from our house… how are we going to logistically handle getting all the tests and procedures done while making sure G is taken care of? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what is going to happen or how it’s going to happen. All I do know is that I need to try and just take things one at a time.

The first step is just going to this appointment. I unfortunately am on CD1 today so depending on the testing she wants to do I may be delayed an entire extra month but nothing I can do about that. The appointment should last about an hour and a half and is pretty basic… vitals, meeting with the dr to discuss medical history and family medical history, full physical exam, and then ordering what sort of tests she wants done. After that… who knows?

All I can hope for is that I can get back into this. I am not so sure I am prepared to become the obsessed person I was while going through treatments last time but I think I would mentally feel better about that than this feeling of defeat before the process has already begun.

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New year… no resolutions

My resolution every year is the same: lose weight. I did pretty good this year losing 30lbs (technically only 24 since Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas really fucked me up). This year, however, I can not have that resolution. I. Am. Pregnant.

I have taken approximately 7 tests in the last 9 days and they all come up positive. I am unable to rely on any true symptoms since I am only 5 weeks 2 days but every now and then I get something and feel a bit reassured. Then it goes away and I panic. I was talking to my mother yesterday about it and she had ZERO trouble conceiving so she doesn’t understand and it only frustrates me more when I try to explain it. 

Trying to explain that I don’t like talking about me being pregnant… not yet at least. Whether the fact that it was this phantom thing that I never thought was attainable and now I have it or I just don’t truly believe it, I don’t know but I don’t like talking out loud about it. It gives me more anxiety. 

Trying to explain how scary it is when a “symptom” totally disappears. Even though this is 1,000,000% normal. She tells me to ‘count my lucky stars’ that I feel fine. 

Trying to explain how I want to have the reassurance that something is actually happening. Rather than relying on two lines on a test. 

Trying to explain how I don’t feel like I hear other fertile’s feel when they find out they are pregnant. How every thought is surrounded by if this little bundle of cells is doubling appropriately. How every pain, stretch, gas bubble makes me think that this could be an ectopic pregnancy and it isn’t in my uterus. Or, if everything is going fine if maybe it is just a blighted ovum. 

Some of these fears will be put to bed in just 13 days (holy crap it’s taking forever), until then, it is a daily struggle. 

So, as I enter into 2014 I have hopes that this will be an amazing year where E and I’s dream actually does come true. No resolutions. No empty promises. Just the faith that this will be our year. 


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So many BFP’s… could I be next?

I can’t believe how many of you wonderful women have announced your BFP’s over the last couple of weeks. It is truly amazing. I can only hope that tomorrow when I test I will be able to announce my BFP as well.

13DPIUI today and this is the first month that I have not been sneaky and tested early. Tomorrow morning is the day! I am getting quite nervous. The past two days my symptoms have increased a little but I still don’t know if it is all in my head. The only thing that is not in my head is the tons of watery CM. It looks like I peed my panties every time I go to the bathroom. Yes, ew, I know. That is not normal for me but I always thought that the CM associated with pregnancy was creamy so I don’t know what that’s about. My right boob is quite tender but my left one isnt and I am eating everything in sight… it’s crazy. I have been having some AF like cramps but no sign of AF yet (since I am taking progesterone, I am not surprised). I am really hoping that means good news but I am not getting my hopes up. January marks 3 years of TTC and there has been so much disappointment that it’s hard to keep up the positivity…

Any spare prayers/good thoughts you have, I would appreciate them. It would be so amazing to have my dreams come true tomorrow morning 🙂


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11DPIUI and no urge to test

It’s pretty amazing what a good distraction will do to the obsessive two week wait. Yes, I still think about it a lot during the day and still wish that I am pregnant but I have no desire to test which is an odd feeling. 

I have been so caught up in the rescue we started working with that I have been able to channel my energy into something other than obsessed with symptoms. 

I, however, have noticed some thing… because I mean really, I am an infertile. My boobs feel heavier and may be a little bigger. I have a constant VERY mild nausea and I am quite tired. Oh and the hunger is still there. If there is food, I will eat it. 

We got our new foster tonight and he is the biggest ball of sweetness I can barely stand it. I love him already. He needs a lot of work but we’re ready to do it!!

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7DPIUI

7DPIUI today and still feel pretty normal. The hunger has subsided some which is a good thing because I was literally eating everything in sight. My boobs are slightly tender and I had a really sharp pain on the right side of my uterus for about 10 second saturday morning. I had a split second of ‘IMPLANTATION!’ followed by ‘yea right, don’t be a fucking idiot, it’s way too early’. I took a test today (like I do every cycle at 7DPIUI) and confirmed the trigger is no longer in my system so that’s good news. Just 7 more days till I can test for real!

The adoption yesterday went really well with our first foster dog. I only teared up once but was smiling the whole way through it. He’s going to have a great new life 🙂 and we already got word that our new great dane foster will be delivered to us on Friday! So I have a couple days to get ready for a new furbaby to come into the house. He will be with us for a couple months while we get him healthy and then put him up for adoption 🙂


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Going through “an adoption” during the TWW

I posted before about getting a foster pup for a few days (https://ambivalentjourney.wordpress.com/2013/12/03/i-am-becoming-a-new-mom-for-like-two-weeks/) . Well it has been going great for the most part and tomorrow is the day he meets his new family. Today is 4DPIUI and if all goes well tomorrow he will be leaving us on Sunday, 6DPIUI. 

Let me tell you, the progesterone supplements have made me crazier than usual already (and are so totally disgusting). I am crying at everything, hungry ALL. FUCKING. DAY, and moody as all get out. One minute I am so irritated at the new dog and the next I can’t imagining letting him go to a new home. His new family is so happy and excited. They deserve him and will give him an amazing life but letting go of one of my “babies”, even if we have only had him over a week, is going to be really hard. Add in all the additional hormones I have going on and forget it.

Every night I have been talking to the little egg and praying that he/she decides to be the one and make me his/her home for the next nine months. I envision it. I walk through the steps, visualize, pray, hope, beg that this will work. 

10 days till testing! (and I am going to try really hard not to test early again this time… 😉 )

Oh and I will shamelessly plug the rescue I am associated with. If you want to donate to our three medical fund furbabies or want to adopt… we would be so greatful! It looks like I will be having Amos (first listed on the medical fund page) as our new foster baby and come to stay with us for a little while until we can get him healthy and adopted. We hope to get him sometime next week or the week after. http://greatdanefriends.com/


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IUI #3 and it pays off to be a nagging pain in the ass

This morning’s IUI went according to plan. No hiccups. We arrived at the hospital at 7:45, E gave his sample, we left to get breakfast (and we found a new breakfast place… SO yummy!), came back and waited for them to call me for the IUI. 

I said there were no hiccups with the IUI… but I did do something which was “a first” for the nurse. This has been the first time that my job has interfered with an IUI and of coarse this was the first time the RE was running late. I had thought I was going to get away with having the IUI at 10 and be walking out of the office by 10:25 so I could get on my work call at 10:30. Well, they didn’t take me back till 10:23. I had no choice… I was on my work call while up in the stirrups. Imagine the story I could tell to my child if this IUI works: You were conceived while I was talking to several Medical Directors all over the United States. Regardless the nurse was very accommodating and she got in and out quick as a cat. I laid there for 20 minutes to finish up my call and then I was free to get dressed.

As we were finishing up I decided to be a pain in the ass and ask again about the progesterone supplements. This was a different nurse than the one I talk to one the phone who is the “general” nurse who makes the calls. This was my actual doctors nurse. She said she wasn’t sure but since Dr. M was here today she would go ask him. Sure as shit she came back and said Dr. M indicated that would be a good idea after what happened last month, just to be safe. Well it’s a good damn thing I asked! I wonder if that general nurse even inquired with Dr. M… guess I will never know. Needless to say I will be starting the progesterone tomorrow night. I feel so much better knowing that we are now doing everything possible to help a little human begin its life. Let the 2ww begin!

Also, we spoke to Dr. M about IUI #4. I told him that we couldn’t afford to do IVF right now but would like to step it up with IUI #4 in the hopes to increase our chances. He agreed and so if this doesn’t work we are moving to injectables next cycle. I am happy he is willing to step it up instead of having us continue at this protocol. So, we have a plan but first lets hope that I won’t need it 😉


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IVF Consultation Cancelled

If you remember, E and I talked about moving into IVF right after this upcoming IUI and not doing a 4th IUI like was recommended. I scheduled my IVF consult with Dr. M for December 18th and was feeling good about it. Well a factor for us is also cost. It’s much cheaper to do an IUI versus a fresh IVF. So, yesterday when I was at the RE’s office for my CD11 ultrasound I asked them if they could give me an estimate on IVF. They said that the financial coordinator would call me to discuss…

Since we are completely self pay the IVF without medications is 12k. That includes, all monitoring, retrieval, ICSI/or traditional fertilization, transfer, freezing and storage for 2 years. Medications will be an additional 3-4k. So between $15,000 and $16,000. I knew it would be high but wow. They do not offer discounts if you do multiples IVF’s or any type of discounts if it doesn’t work. That’s our only option. 

A FET is about $4,800 with medications.

Needless to say, the IVF consultation for 12/18 will be cancelled and we will be doing at least one more IUI. We just can’t afford to do IVF right now and E doesn’t want to take out a loan. We have been contemplating asking his dad/my grandparents but are still mulling that over. Maybe this will all be for not and this IUI will work but it’s pretty depressing knowing that IVF is still a bit out of our reach when I was hoping that magically it would be do-able. 

A girl can still dream…


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IUI #3 Update

Today was my CD11 ultrasound and bloodwork. Let me first start off by saying that whoever decided it was a good idea to have kids cartoons playing in the waiting room of an infertility clinic should be fucking shot. K, I feel better.

Good news! I have a nice follicle on righty at 22mm and a 13mm on lefty who isnt doing much. My lining is 11.5 which is great and my E2 is at 54 (that seems appropriate with being on Femara). Regardless, the nurse says my IUI will be on Monday. I was really hoping it would be Sunday but that’s a no-go. I have a ton of meetings on Monday that I just can’t miss. My IUI is at 10 and I have a meeting that I need to attend (via phone) at 10:30… It’s going to be tight. 

So HCG injection tomorrow night, sex and then IUI. Maybe third time’s a charm 🙂

 


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6DPIUI and a glimmer of hope?

I have felt so out this cycle. Like we just spent $750 on a next step toward IVF and not that this actually has a chance. I have had zero symptoms from the HCG injection this cycle and have felt absolutely 100% normal.

I have somehow, miraculously, been sleeping through the night till about 5am when I wake up having to pee so badly I can barely make it to the bathroom but I know it is not a restful sleep because I wake up tired. But seriously I have had no symptoms and have been really good about ignoring anything that could be a symptom. Symptom spotting has been non-existent in this household and I have been pretty proud about that 😀 That is, until last night/this morning…

Last night E came home and we sat down to eat. I was in a relatively good mood. As good a mood as any after a days worth of work, being a wednesday and cooking dinner. Definitely not a bad mood. Well we were sitting eating and just talking about our days when something inside me just switched. I turned into mega-bitch. We finished eating in silence I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen then went to sit down on the couch until we went upstairs for bed. I was sitting there for 10 minutes tops when I couldn’t stand it anymore and I wanted to tear E’s head off. He didn’t do or say anything so I knew something was going on and instead of creating an unnecessary fight I excused myself and went upstairs so I didn’t say or do anything I would regret. I woke up this morning in a better mood… who knows what that is all about???

That brings me to this morning. I am 6DPIUI and when I went to the bathroom around 7am it looked like there was a tint to what was on the toilet paper. I wasn’t sure what I was seeing so I checked my CM and sure enough it had a brown tinge to it! All I could scream in my head is “COULD THIS BE IMPLANTATION BLEEDING?!?!” I have gone to the bathroom a couple times since and all is clear. I really hope I wasn’t hallucinating and that it could be a good sign. I feel like I have had some cramping/fullness last night and today but now I am not sure if I am conjuring/imagining them or if they are really there. 

Needless to say, the past 5 days of being really good about symptom spotting are out the window and I am just going to have to prepare to be crazy for the next 8 days until I test 😉