"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


I took the plunge… into Essential Oils

After my best friend swearing up and down about Young Living’s Essential Oils and looking into them myself I have decided to take the plunge! I purchased the typical starter kit and get 11 oils, an air diffuser and some samples of oils. I am really excited to get them after reading such good things about them. I am all for using natural over chemical when possible but what really got to me is the calming aspect several of these oils have.

I haven’t been shy about the fact that I am an incredibly anxious person. Bordering OCD on certain things and while I can recognize it I can’t seem to stop it once it has started. Before the pregnancy I was managing the bad episodes with klonopin but having the oils around could potentially replace that. I have had several instances this pregnancy where I could feel my blood pressure rising, recognize the increased breathing and the swishing going on in my head over something I couldn’t control and the subsequent panic attack was not fun getting over without the aid of anything… I have this image in my head with using certain oils to control it over medications. A girl can hope, right?

Also, I have heard wonderful things about aiding in labor relaxation among other aspects of labor and being able to use them with babies.

Really, the only downside I have been able to find is that it is somewhat pricey. Some of the oils I would like to get are just way too expensive for me purchase. Others I know I will be able to swing but wow. I know you pay for quality but I need to keep some money in my pocket 😉

I know a few of you use EO’s… care to share what you love about them most and what you have found to me most useful??

Here are the 11 oils I am getting:



Anxious and excited

18 weeks 4 days. 150 days to go.

Only two days until our next ultrasound. Thursday at 1:30pm we should be seeing our little blob again. I have been counting down the years, months, weeks, days, hours for this day. To see our baby looking like a real baby. To be able to refer to him/her as him or her. So why am I so incredibly nervous and anxious about the appointment?

13 days ago I had an appointment and we heard a beautiful heartbeat. They found it right away and it was steady and strong. It echoed in the room loud and dominate like he/she was making their presence known. It was awesome. I wish I had recorded it just to listen to it every day. 

That was only 13 days ago. 13 days ago I was reassured that everything was going ok. I don’t like that I feel so unsure about how he/she is doing. I still *think* I am feeling movements but can’t be sure and it’s driving me crazy. I want some daily reassurances that he/she is still thriving. I know I am being impatient and my mother keeps telling me that I ‘really need to relax because you’re causing yourself unnecessary stress” which is probably true but I can’t help it. I so wish I could. Only two days. I can make it two more days.

Setting aside the anxious, nervous piece I truly am excited about this appointment. E and I are both taking a half day off of work to go to lunch together before the appointment and then to, hopefully, register afterwards. We are finding out what we are having as long as the little one cooperates. This is how I want the appointment to go: See the rapid movement of a strong heartbeat, see the little one move and hear that he/she looks perfect and then finally have this little bean go all spread eagle 😉 In a perfect world this will be the case. 

Most days I wish I could have a permanent ultrasound attached to me so I could keep an eye on everything. I haven’t seen this bean in 5 weeks and I am not sure how I am going to handle fewer ultrasounds. Does every pregnant woman go through this constant anxiety or does the infertile mind make this journey so much harder? When I was going through all the treatments all I could think about was how fucking happy I would be to be pregnant. I never thought that going through the three years of failed cycles would impact a pregnancy so much. That there would be days of debilitating fear, complete panic attacks or an oddly weird depression.

Most of the time I am overjoyed. So incredibly thankful that this has finally happened to us. To see my husband light up every time he touches my belly or talks about doing something for the baby makes me want to cry with happiness. We are finally getting to experience this miracle and I shouldn’t be looking over my shoulder for something bad to happen. I can’t change anything. I need to embrace this. To cherish every second. 

Two days. I can make it two more day.

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I’ll take uneventful appointments any day!

16 weeks 5 days. 163 days to go.

I had my 16 week appointment today and it was great but really uneventful. My biggest concern was that they wouldn’t be able to pick up the heartbeat on the dopplar like last time but they heard the HB right away which was a major relief to me, I was able to calm down immensely. Steady in the 140’s 😀 We went over some of issues (some headaches, back pain and waking up on my back) and then she said how proud she was of my weight and blood pressure. I am down 2lbs from when I found out I was pregnant and at almost 17 weeks she said she is really happy with that. My BP is still the lowest it has ever been, which is awesome. This was the doctor that originally wouldn’t even treat me for infertility because of my original weight and I had to ask for the referral to the RE. I lost 35lbs between then and going to the RE so it feels good that she is acknowledging that I am still working hard to maintain the healthy lifestyle and keep me and baby blob as happy and healthy as can be. 

The best news though? She said I can come in 2 weeks for the anatomy scan!!! So April 3rd at 1:30 is the day!!! I am so excited I can barely stand it.

I also think I am starting to feel movement. I am still not 100% sure so I am not getting too excited but I think it’s happening. I get giddy every time I feel it just hoping that it’s little blob moving around.


New year… no resolutions

My resolution every year is the same: lose weight. I did pretty good this year losing 30lbs (technically only 24 since Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas really fucked me up). This year, however, I can not have that resolution. I. Am. Pregnant.

I have taken approximately 7 tests in the last 9 days and they all come up positive. I am unable to rely on any true symptoms since I am only 5 weeks 2 days but every now and then I get something and feel a bit reassured. Then it goes away and I panic. I was talking to my mother yesterday about it and she had ZERO trouble conceiving so she doesn’t understand and it only frustrates me more when I try to explain it. 

Trying to explain that I don’t like talking about me being pregnant… not yet at least. Whether the fact that it was this phantom thing that I never thought was attainable and now I have it or I just don’t truly believe it, I don’t know but I don’t like talking out loud about it. It gives me more anxiety. 

Trying to explain how scary it is when a “symptom” totally disappears. Even though this is 1,000,000% normal. She tells me to ‘count my lucky stars’ that I feel fine. 

Trying to explain how I want to have the reassurance that something is actually happening. Rather than relying on two lines on a test. 

Trying to explain how I don’t feel like I hear other fertile’s feel when they find out they are pregnant. How every thought is surrounded by if this little bundle of cells is doubling appropriately. How every pain, stretch, gas bubble makes me think that this could be an ectopic pregnancy and it isn’t in my uterus. Or, if everything is going fine if maybe it is just a blighted ovum. 

Some of these fears will be put to bed in just 13 days (holy crap it’s taking forever), until then, it is a daily struggle. 

So, as I enter into 2014 I have hopes that this will be an amazing year where E and I’s dream actually does come true. No resolutions. No empty promises. Just the faith that this will be our year. 


Feeling good

Today was IUI day and I am feeling pretty good 🙂

E and I woke up promptly at 6am, showered, got dressed, got the puppies up and we were out the door by 6:45. We hit some traffic but made it to the hospital at the right time and they got E right back to give his sample. His numbers were fabulous – 29 million and 98% motility!! They didn’t do the morphology count but I am hoping that it is still atleast at 2%. 

Dr. M’s nurse is a little cray cray. Like ‘OMGIHAVEHAD100CUPSOFCOFFEE” crazy. She was really, really excited about E’s numbers. She just thought that was unbelievably amazing and such good news. Once I finally got into the stirrups and they started the procedure she then got so happy with the amount of CM I had. How this is perfect timing and just perfect sperm and perfect CM. It took her no time at all to insert the catheter and deposit the sperm. I had some mild cramping but overall no pain at all.

The best part about the whole thing: after the procedure the table was tilted back so my hips were way higher then my head, the lights were turned off and mood music was turned on. I was instructed to lay still for 15 minutes and then she would be back. I knew I was going to have to lay there but as soon as she walked out I turned my head to look at E and we both started giggling. I was not expecting the atmosphere change but it was kinda nice 🙂

The nurse came in and went over the instructions going forward. I think I was a little surprised that they start treating you like you are actually pregnant already but I will follow orders. The only one I am not happy about is not being allowed to have cold deli meat 😦 I love sandwiches and now the meat has to be hot (to kill any potential bacteria). Not so thrilled about that one.

Now, I just have a mild cramping feeling (more like bloated feeling) and it puts a lot of pressure in my lower belly when I laugh. I am spending the rest of the day on the couch and enjoyed being waited on by my hubby. Next steps will be to take a HPT on Wednesday 10/23 and if that is negative and AF doesn’t arrive a day or two after that then I have to call and I think they will verify a BFN and then induce a period.